Postponing the inevitable

I haven’t made the call yet.  I need to book a follow-up appointment with my FS, but I just can’t seem to make the call.  I think I just need a little more time before we start planning for the next round.  DH and I are just getting back to ‘normal’ and trying to just focus on the everyday ordinary things.  We are also going onvacation in October, so I want to go and have a nice break before we start counting our pennies again and starting to time the next cycle.

My friend came over with her 2 month old yesterday.  He is getting so big, so fast.  He really is becoming a little man now and not a tiny baby.  It is starting to be harder being around him…..I just keep thinking of all the ones I have lost along the way.  Usually I don’t think that way, but every now and again it sneaks up on you.  I can’t allow myself to dream about the ‘what if’….it is not the reality and it only makes me sad.

Miscarriage was the worst.  It really did a number on my brain.  I know that lots of women have them, but no one ever tells you how painful they are until you are in the middle of having one.  It is probably different for ‘fertile’ ladies…as they can try again naturally.  For us who struggle…it is devastating. It actually feels like the universe is dangling a carrot in front of your face and then cruelly taking it away.  So close.

My whole body is tired.  Today I feel like I am cracking a little bit.  Little cracks over many years….it is taking it’s toll.  I have so many responsibilities and all I can focus on is ‘what next?’.  I should make the call.  I know I will feel better once I speak to the FS.  He is always so honest, yet hopeful.  I will try, but making no promises.

I must find chocolate now.

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2 thoughts on “Postponing the inevitable

  1. Hi Nellie, I love you blog’s new look.

    I hear what you say about miscarriages. One of my friends was pregnant when I had my second miscarriage. Every time I see her little boy I just feel my heart aching. She is now trying for baby no. 2 and I am still trying for baby no. 1. Eish. Not lekker.

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