Yesterday I really noticed one of my pregnant colleagues. She is around 7 months preggers, she is really showing now. I act all excited for her, but all I can think about is that I miscarried in May the same time she announced her pregnancy. I would have been almost 6 months by now.
So give me a moment, because I am feeling pretty down.
I hate that I am part of this club. I feel like I am a sad reminder of all the things that can go wrong. I know when I miscarried I resented all the pregnant ladies who sent me well-wishes – I know they really meant well, but it is hard when you are feeling so much sadness to be greeted by a ‘thinking of you’ from someone with a bean in their belly. I am sure the same applies to me. No one wants to hear from someone who is a walking miscarriage when they are waiting for their next beta, or to see the heartbeat.
I am a reminder that everything can and will go wrong. It’s like walking around with a giant flashing sign that tells people, ‘stay away from this gal…she will bring you down…she will make you think of miscarriage and nasty things that could happen to you.’
Where does someone like me fit? I feel like the scourge of IF. Everyone feels sad for me while thinking ‘I’m glad that is not me’.