A fine balance…

I did it.  I finally worked up the courage to book a follow-up appointment with our FS.  October 10th.  I think it is actually better to have some space between the last failed attempt and our follow-up.  Normally we do the follow-up within 2 weeks, but after so much heartache and emotion, I want to be able to talk to FS in a better headspace.  It is just getting harder to bounce back.  So October 10th is good.  We also go on leave the end of that week, so we can go on leave knowing what our plan of action (POA) is.  Much better.

DH and I are prepared for a discussion on donor eggs (DE).  I am more nervous that our FS will feel strongly we need to try another cycle before we move to DE.  I would love for that to be an option, but in my heart I know that if we fail one more cycle I will be so upset about the money we will have then lost and could have put towards a DE cycle.

How did I get here?  I am struggling a lot with how I am even in this situation.  When we first started IVF discussions back in 2008, with our first cycle in 2009….it just seemed like a matter of time.  After five cycles…it just all seems that much farther away.  The first three cycles I could see the end like a little stone on the road in the distance, but after the first miscarriage it was like someone picked that stone up and threw it as far as they could so I couldn’t see it anymore.  I hate the anxiety.  For those of you who are now preggers….you now see that the journey does not end once you get that BFP.  For fertiles they just bounce along, for us we are anxious at every turn.  Every appointment, every cramp, every day…..anxiety.  So unfair.

There is a great book by Rohinton Mistry called ‘A Fine Balance’.  It is a story of an uncle and his nephew in India finding their way through the caste system and trying to build a life.  It is one of my favourite reads….front to back kind of a read and it is long so you really get to live with the characters for a while….my kind of book.  The story is tragic in some parts, but has great insight about the reality of life’s challenge.  The whole idea of how bad things happen to good people…the up and the down, the challenge and the survival.  A great, great book.  If you haven’t read it….you must.

I’m not sure what to do about our IF.  It is just the situation I am in.  I refuse to be full of hope and light….that is just not reality. People who are overly positive and happy make me nervous….it is just not normal.  You need to be sad, you need to grieve…..but you also need to live.  It is about finding a balance, or trying to rebalance after a difficult time.  I am out of that deep dark hole, I am now in the rebalancing phase….trying to find that fine balance.  I need some time to find my center and focus on the things that bring me joy.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter how I got here.  It matters how I move forward.


2 thoughts on “A fine balance…

  1. “You need to be sad, you need to grieve…..but you also need to live.” Amen to this, sister. What a hard balance.

    Congrats on making a follow-up appointment. For me, following up on fertility appointments has always been really hard. It’s counter-intuitive (don’t you want to “fix” your problem, don’t you want to have a baby?) But there is so much emotional weight behind each decision of the process. It took me five years to get a surgery for endometriosis when it should have taken six months. C’est la vie.

    Good luck as you try to process this upcoming appointment.

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