Hospital Puddle

So I have been very quiet. I just really didn’t have anything to say about infertility….until today. I took a break, I ‘tried’ not to think about it or stress or put any pressure on myself. I started a new job this year and it has been amazing, but has not been an easy transition.

I went to the hospital today to pick up my new bite plate (for my TMJ). The OMF surgeons office happens to be a floor down from my FS. On the way out I thought about popping by my FS office to book an appointment to get the ball rolling again. Then I decided not to because I was on my way to another meeting. Just as I turned into the parking, I bumped into a woman I used to work with now and again. She was obviously very pregnant. This is her first child. I knew she was older and that she had been married for a while….I alway suspected she was ‘one of us’, but I would never ever ask anyone. She started to tell me her story and about her now miracle baby only 5 weeks away from arriving. I shared with her that I was also part of the Vet IF club. I never share….so this was big for me. I asked her how old she was and she told me 41 this year. I told her that I am 40 next year and figured I was pretty much done after this year. Then….unexpectedly….out of nowhere…..I burst into tears in the hospital parking lot. I was so surprised by my emotion. I have become so detached from this whole process, more as a coping mechanism then anything else. You have to harden yourself if you are going to survive long term IF. She was awesome, really great even though I was a puddle. Now just as I was trying to gain my composure……my FS walked past! I wasn’t looking directly at him, so we didn’t greet but he saw me. A sign! I am convinced! I must get back on this horse.

Anyways, I am convinced that my emotion was more about hope than despair. To see a 41 year old pregnant with her first…it is still possible….I can’t give up. I am still a puddle of tears, today has obviously opened something I have been pushing down for the last couple of months. So I will call to book an appointment tomorrow. Break is over.

Sorry I’ve been quiet….but I know all of you understand the need to take a break.


5 thoughts on “Hospital Puddle

  1. Eh Nellie, sooo glad to hear you are doing ok. I was worried for you too and at the same time I fully understand you needed a break !! Getting pregnant after 40 is possible!! I am friend with a mum who got pregnant at the ripe age of 45 … and her kid is just perfect (although she feels a bit tired looking after her toddler full time ;-)) …. I hope the coming donor eggs cycle works for you … I so hope !!

  2. I completely understand about building a wall to protect yourself. IF is so heartbreaking and sometimes it feels better to “not feel”. I hope all the signs point you in the direction that feels right to you. xoxo

  3. I am so glad you are BACK. I was worried about you. Nellie, it CAN be done. I know somebody who gave up on IVF after a lot of failed cycles and then she discovered that she was pregnant at age 42!!! The baby was born in December. ANYTHING is really possible. I really do believe it. Sending good karma your way. Hang in there.

Please reply if you would like to....

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s