Nervous…feeling faint

  So my HCG came back today.  7dp5dt and my result is 135!!!  I am freaking out.  It is quite high.  I do my second test on Sunday, so I will have a better sense of how much to freak out depending on the doubling.

Trying to breath and not freak out about something I have not confirmed.  But still freaking a little.

Turned tables

We have two beautiful embies back on board.  Very exciting!

Something very strange has happened though.  For those of you who have followed us know that this is our eighth cycle…and we have never had more than a few embies.  Never very good quality and never any left to freeze.

So after the transfer we were told we have 9 embies left that are high enough quality to freeze.  My first thought was ‘why could this not have happend 5 years ago!‘  

We spoke to the embryologist and the two embryos we transferred today and two of the remaining embies were of much higher quality than the ones in our last cycle that led to my beautiful son!  So we decided to freeze 6 of the remaining embies. Our back up in case this cycle doesn’t work out.

I just can’t believe that our best cycle was our last.  Also for the first time we have snowbabies that we may never use.  It is so sad to have snowbabies.  I am so sad that we have created all this potential life…I am left feeling so greedy and flippant about the creation of life.  I keep thinking of my son as an embie and this could have been him.  On ice…insurance.  Plan B.  It makes it feel like throwing out leftovers into the bin.  I feel guilty.  I need to make peace with this.

Testing on 13 November 🙂

And…we are off

So I finally got my period last week…hurray!  Our donor started hers yesterday, so stims start tomorrow.  So far, so good.

I am surviving on the Lucrin and Progynova although I am feeling very weepy these days.  It doesn’t take much to make me cry these days…silly hormones.

So all is good for now, will let you know when ER is planned.

The scheduling drama…with a twist

So we had planned for September, but the scheduling just didn’t work out between the donor, myself and my husband’s work schedule.  So we have settled on end of October, early November and we were all happy with that.  Then…my cycle decided to give us grief.

My last period was 07 August.  I went on BCPs at that time and then they pulled me off them when our September cycle was not likely to happen because of our schedules.  And….no period.  Still no period!  I went back to my FS 2 weeks ago and he put me on Primolut for 7 days and told me to start the Lucrin shots – which means I will be on Lucrin for at least 30 days – which is causing much more damage to my bank account than my body at the moment, this stuff is expensive!  So I am 7 days post Primolut and from what I read my period should come within 5-8 days, although the Lucrin will most likely contribute to postponing my period a bit more.  As long as I have a period by 15 October than our schedule should still be on track.

All that being said…..not having a period sucks!  It is like having permanent PMS.  I have been bloated and miserable for a full two months now.  My poor DH…he is just about ready to drive to the nearest hotel and check himself in for the remainder of this cycle.  I am trying really hard to be gentle, but not easy.  So now all the scheduling drama and side effects from the meds and all the other unpleasantry’s of IVF are flooding back.  How soon we forget….anyways, hopefully we are in the final countdown and I hope we have a happy story at the end.

Now the twist….

We are planning on moving back to my home country in August 2016.  If all goes well….as there are a lot of pieces that have to fall into place first…then that is what our plan is.  However, if this cycle is successful, it means I will be due the end of July 2016.  So I am trying hard not to think about a relocation with a toddler and a newborn half-way across the world.  Also, potentially giving up our jobs (although I am hoping for a transfer) and showing up with a toddler, a newborn….and no jobs!  So I am trying hard not to focus on all of that, as it is not currently our reality.  So many things can happen between now and then, and if it does become our reality, than we will deal with it then.

First priority – have a period.

Here we go again…

I remember before my DS was born, before I was pregnant, before we decided to do DE…I told my DH, 

“when, if, we are so lucky to finally be pregnant and have a child….if I ever ask for a second one, remind me of our horrible journey and that we should be so happy with our one miracle.”

And we are.  We are incredibly happy and grateful for our DS.  But…I am 41 and feel that I need to try for a sibling, before it is just not an option anymore.  I need to try.  If I don’t at least try, I am afraid I will regret it later on.  I would rather have regrets about trying and being unsuccessful than regrets of never trying.

So we are doing another round.  Same donor…phew!  Glad she was up to it.  We wouldn’t have moved forward if we couldn’t get the same donor on board.  So it will all happen around the middle of September.  If it takes….wow!  Beyond what I ever thought possible when we were struggling to fall pregnant.  If it doesn’t take…end of the road.  But I will feel better knowing that in my lifetime I did all that I could.

So….no coffee, no wine, back on the folic acid…back to my meditation.  I am hopeful, but we shall see.  We are still zombie parents with lack of sleep, so maybe we have completely lost the plot!

Zombie out.