The Unknown….the hardest part

I resigned from my job this week. I was able to negotiate a January start with my new employer, so I will finish out the year with my current employer. It was tough. I have been with this company for a long time and have such a great team…it was difficult. Although I am super excited about my new job, change is always difficult.

I have been thinking a lot about change this week. The other morning I asked DH to really start thinking about adoption. I need to book my follow-up with our FS. We will push to try DE, but not sure what our timeline will be as we will need to identify a donor. I started to panic about the timing and starting my new job; where there is travel involved. But I have stopped my brain from planning too much and worrying. It will work out however it needs to be.

I have been thinking more and more about being a childless couple….wondering if that is what my life is going to be. I have been trying to get DH to think about adoption, but I can tell it is still not an option for him. I want a family….but at what cost?…and on who’s terms? Man…..I never thought my life would be like this.

Life really is unpredictable. You need to embrace all of the good….or else you spend all of your time focusing on what you don’t have. I really hope we have a family, but if we don’t can I accept that? The honest truth is I don’t know. I really don’t know.


Old – but only through the eyes of IF

I feel like June cannot come soon enough…I want to start IVF now and see what happens. I want to know my outcome! If only we had a crystal ball. Although these couple of months preparation are also important. I want my mind and body as prepared as they can be…..although I don’t believe you are ever ready.

I have been thinking a lot of getting older…it has never really bothered me before, but it is growing in the back of my mind. With my next IVF I will be in the 38+ group, a group that FS’s give an even lower success rate. I know lots of 38+ who have been successful, but they are not me…..yet. Hope….hope…..hope! I always want to be ‘young at heart’, but isn’t there a phrase like ‘young at ovary’? It just sucks because we have been at this for several years and each year I feel we have ‘age’ as another barrier to our infertility. I asked DH if he is ready to move to adoption….he’s not yet. I was hoping to do both. His desire to have a biological child is much stronger than mine. Although he is very open to DE, so there is still that option. I don’t know…I just want a family whatever way it comes. I also want the stress of IVF out of my life! But I will give IVF another chance in 2012, we will see what this year holds.

I am going to start my meditations visualizing me pregnant. It is actually not that difficult with my sweet purring cat laying on my tummy!

Family Drama…it never ends

The saga continues……

We have found a private social worker (SW) and discussed the situation with the SW about my niece’s son….I’ll refer to him as ‘Billy’. The SW has agreed to discuss the issue of Billy’s care with my in-laws and sister-in-law (the granny) as well as my niece and the birth father (whom is no longer with my niece nor takes care of Billy). DH and I have agreed to pay for the SW and ensure everyone directly involved to have a ‘voice’ about Billy. The only objective being to determine the best living arrangement for Billy and to also ensure that everyone involved in Billy’s care understand and agrees to their responsibilities.

DH and I have spoken with the SW and agreed to offer ourselves as potential adoptive parents….however it is offered as one option….although the SW believes it is the best option.

I am okay with it now having spoken to the SW and understanding the legal framework. DH and I had planned to do another round of IVF in January, but this may eat a hole in those plans……but at the end of the day, someone must care for this child and he is our family.

I have to admit, I am cautiously excited at the potential adoption. It feels right. But at the same time it would be an open adoption with all of the family drama that may come with….although we live 1600kms from the family. I am 37 years old, but feel like I am still 16……I am officially an adult making adult decisions…..scary.