Old – but only through the eyes of IF

I feel like June cannot come soon enough…I want to start IVF now and see what happens. I want to know my outcome! If only we had a crystal ball. Although these couple of months preparation are also important. I want my mind and body as prepared as they can be…..although I don’t believe you are ever ready.

I have been thinking a lot of getting older…it has never really bothered me before, but it is growing in the back of my mind. With my next IVF I will be in the 38+ group, a group that FS’s give an even lower success rate. I know lots of 38+ who have been successful, but they are not me…..yet. Hope….hope…..hope! I always want to be ‘young at heart’, but isn’t there a phrase like ‘young at ovary’? It just sucks because we have been at this for several years and each year I feel we have ‘age’ as another barrier to our infertility. I asked DH if he is ready to move to adoption….he’s not yet. I was hoping to do both. His desire to have a biological child is much stronger than mine. Although he is very open to DE, so there is still that option. I don’t know…I just want a family whatever way it comes. I also want the stress of IVF out of my life! But I will give IVF another chance in 2012, we will see what this year holds.

I am going to start my meditations visualizing me pregnant. It is actually not that difficult with my sweet purring cat laying on my tummy!

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AMH results…finally

After many years, I finally asked about my AMH results. I have no idea why I didn’t ask sooner, I guess I just had so many other questions. So my result is 1.29, which is above normal, but not high enough to be of concern. The range is between 1.0 and 3.0 being normal and anything around 3.0 or above suspect of PCOS. At 37, I am really happy with my result and it make me feel relieved that I still have the option of additional IVF cycles if I choose. I feel the clock ticking and the window slowly closing on my IVF success rate based on my age. We would love to have a successful cycle again…and a successful full term pregnancy. Now that I have been around the block (now on my 5th IVF ICSI) I feel I know so much more about the tests, the drugs, the whole process. I wish I never had to be here, but the positives of being here is 1) knowledge and 2) I am much more relaxed throughout the cycle. My first 2 cycles I was a mess. However, all my anxiety has now transferred to when I do get a BFP and all that can go wrong. So I will need to work on that. For now, I am just happy that my AMH is good and I am starting my new IVF cycle with lots of hope.