The olive branch is on fire!

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So I decided to take the high road with my sisters….again…..and I must tell you the air up here is thin and I am starting to feel woozy. I had really hoped that by reaching out to them and putting the ball in their court to tell me what they want, could open up a discussion where I could negotiate with them and let them know gently what would work for DH and me. Well I should have known better….as it backfired royally.

So here was the bulk of my email to my three sisters and my Mom.

I sent them the pic of my little belly above, some info on how many weeks I am, when my next scan is and how I can’t believe Sister#1 had already planned a trip before we knew we were pregnant……and cue olive branch, “We are planning to come home Christmas 2014, so the baby will be around 7-8 months by then and much more exciting and interesting. If you want to come and visit before then, let’s skype and see what works. Love you guys and wishing I was closer.”

So I waited (as there is a 6-9 hour time difference) and a little later in the day I received the following responses.

Sister#1
“so crazy and so exciting…can’t wait to see photos as you grow! Loved your update and looking forward to more! Love ya”

Very nice…left me with a warm and fuzzy and so happy I have my sisters even though they are far away.

Sister#2
“ahhhhhhhh! what a DELIGHTFUL email!! such a lovely topic and so inclusive and communicative…made my friday! I am not coming for the birth, not that i wouldn’t love to be there, but i will only have one trip in the next few years and i want to make sure it counts! So i’m going to save mine until after you come here for christmas. xoxo

Okay, again very nice. A little passive aggressive jab at the beginning as she is mad that Sister#1 and my mom have already made plans and she believes it should have been discussed with her…but I’ll let that go in the spirit of family. However, I was particularly amused at the part where she states she is not coming to the birth. Well that was the first time I had heard she was wanting to do that. What ever happened to common courtesy, to ask people when it would be a good time to visit, instead of telling them when you will visit.

Sister#3
“I agree, good to get some communication. So it looks like I have to sit through a Skype session to explain why I feel like I should be a part of this lol … Some things never change eh folks. Well don’t you all worry… I will not be showing up unannounced, I will not be skyping my feelings and I will not be able to come home for Xmas next year as I can’t have two years in a row. So there you go…. My itinerary… None of you have to worry, you are all in the clear:) Love…”

Wowzers! So this is the sister who I get a happy birthday text once a year and had been planning with my Mom to come and visit. I promptly told my mother that she hadn’t even sent me a message when she found out I was pregnant, I had to send a message a few days later and I had heard nothing of her wanting to come. I told my mom it would be nice if she picked up the phone and actually spoke to me about her plans. So she is just an angry person and I figure no matter what you say, she will be angry.

So a little hurt by some. Poor Sister#1 is getting it bad though from the other sisters for making plans without consulting them….since when did we become a collective? So I feel really bad for her, because she doesn’t deserve their mean and misdirected anger.

I wanted to fire back a message to tell them to grow the f*** up, but decided that would only fuel the fire. I thought maybe I should call them individually…but I know two of them do not have the capacity to listen to anyone else’s feelings other than their own. So it would just upset me more.

What hurts the most is that I know my Mom and Sister#1 are incredibly sad after reading those emails….and I think it is just so mean how my two other sisters victimize them. Although my Mom and Sister#2 allow them to bully them.

I am not sure what I am going to do. I think I will let it simmer down for a few days.

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Bitch cow moment

Yesterday one of my staff told me she is 8 weeks pregnant. I tuned out after she told me she was pregnant, but came back long enough to do the professional thing and say congratulations. What I really wanted to tell her was that she was a bitch cow and who the hell tells people they are pregnant when they are only 8 weeks! I know….the anger surprised me too.

I drove home in tears, shocked that I could allow the bitch cow to have this effect on me. When I walked in the door I melted on the floor and poor DH didn’t know what hit him. It took me a few minutes between ridiculous sobbing to tell him that everything was fine, nothing was wrong…I was just having a moment.

I guess I have only just now grieved for the last failed cycle. I didn’t even bat an eye when we saw it was negative. Disappointed, yes…but sad….not really. Until yesterday, I completely unravelled. I have been in one hell of a bad mood and I should have known this was coming. Pissy, moody, angry = Extreme sadness welling up and impending implosion.

So it’s out now. Obviously my staff is not a bitch cow. I am just a depressed infertile. It is so hard, I have just accepted my dream job (which I start in November if I can grow the balls to tell my boss!) and I graduate from my Masters programme with distinction on Friday. I also have an amazing DH, the best relationship and so much love from him that I sometimes pinch myself that I am this lucky.

You try to rationalize that your life is so good in so many other ways…but all you really want is to be pregnant. Yo…I am tired. I want to believe it will happen, but some days I am not so sure.

Hugs to all my IF gals. This sucks the motherload.

Numbers game

Infertility sucks the big one! I am caught in this horrible trap of counting. Counting cycle days, counting possible Day 1’s, counting how much money I need for the next IVF. Counting the pregnancy week I would have been in had I not miscarried in May. Damn numbers….

My due date would have been 27 Dec. I kept telling myself to not focus on something that will not be, but that date has always stuck in my head! It is so hard not to think about it. I can’t believe how much time I take staring at my calendar counting out 28 days. It is bordering on neurotic. Numbers…..go away. This Christmas is going to be a tough one….but only if I allow it. Therefore, I refuse. I will not let the pain of yesterday haunt my today. I will have a great Christmas holiday and I will focus on the future. Add a giant glass of wine and I will cope.

One glass of wine….mwah ah ah. Two glasses of wine….mwah ah ah….

Hello?…Universe?…WTF?

I have been out of the country on business this week. While I was out DH learned that he didn’t get a position he had interviewed for earlier in the week. Shame…I feel so bad I wasn’t at home this week. I was a little surprised because it was an internal position and we felt pretty confident he would have a good shot. It seems nothing is going our way this year.

You can approach it two ways: either the universe is against you or this is just not the right time, the universe has other plans. I stand somewhere in between. Too many things have not worked out for us this year, so you start to think that maybe you are not destined for anything greater than what you currently have. What an incredible let down that would be. But maybe….and probability says so….that life is an ever-changing journey. So maybe we are in some kind of holding pattern, waiting for our time. I want to believe this so badly.

You can say ‘have faith’, or ‘don’t lose hope’. I have a tonne of faith and hope that my future is bright…no doubt. I just don’t know what the brightness contains. I know what I want it to contain, but am I focusing of the wrong things? Is it time for me to reconsider if we will ever have a family? Is it time for us to rethink what our future may be? Do we just hand it over to the universe completely?

You hear so much about the power of having a vision for your life. Focusing of where you want to be and allowing yourself to be open to the possibilities. We must be doing something wrong….because no good has come of this year. Everytime we think we are taking a step forward, the universe pushes us back.

How much longer will the universe push back? Are we missing something? Hello? Universe? If you are listening…..what the @#?!

Scourge of IF

Yesterday I really noticed one of my pregnant colleagues. She is around 7 months preggers, she is really showing now. I act all excited for her, but all I can think about is that I miscarried in May the same time she announced her pregnancy. I would have been almost 6 months by now.

So give me a moment, because I am feeling pretty down.

I hate that I am part of this club. I feel like I am a sad reminder of all the things that can go wrong. I know when I miscarried I resented all the pregnant ladies who sent me well-wishes – I know they really meant well, but it is hard when you are feeling so much sadness to be greeted by a ‘thinking of you’ from someone with a bean in their belly. I am sure the same applies to me. No one wants to hear from someone who is a walking miscarriage when they are waiting for their next beta, or to see the heartbeat.

I am a reminder that everything can and will go wrong. It’s like walking around with a giant flashing sign that tells people, ‘stay away from this gal…she will bring you down…she will make you think of miscarriage and nasty things that could happen to you.’

Where does someone like me fit? I feel like the scourge of IF. Everyone feels sad for me while thinking ‘I’m glad that is not me’.

Dazed and Confused

I need to book a follow-up with my FS.  I need to find out what our next steps are.  I have been looking into DE and it is totally freaking me out.  It is amazing how open I am…until those donors are right in front of you staring you in the face.  It’s weird, but I feel like I am giving my life over to some unknown person.  I am definitely not emotionally ready for this yet.  It all seems like science-fiction to me.

I have started thinking that maybe we should try once more with my own eggs, maybe we shouldn’t give up to DE yet.  Maybe it was just a fluke that I had two unsuccessful pregnancies.  But then again I really don’t want to waste my time or money on another failed IVF, just to then move to DE.

I am feeling so confused and still so sad.  Feeling a little hopeless today.  Why is life so hard?  I will continue to be mad at the universe for exactly 3 more minutes…then I will go eat death by chocolate ice cream and get over myself.

There is one brave lady that I have followed on her IF journey for a while now.   I went back into her blog history…..it was last year around December, when she made the decision to switch over to DE.  It helped a lot, as I could relate to a lot of her concerns at the time.  She is now preggers with twins…so happy for her.  Her story gives me hope every single day.  She reminded me to be hopeful.  So here is to a switcheroo….Hope=1, Despair=0

6dp3dt – Pointy and hopeful

I always knew this road would be tough, but it has felt like the unending road for way too long. I am hopeful that my happy ending will come soon…always hopeful. Poor DH has been putting up with my short fuse for the last couple of weeks. The hormones, especially the progesterone really makes me pointy. At least he is used to it and doesn’t take it too personally most of the time, depending on how pointy I am. It is really hard for DH too, because we have male infertility issues on top of mine. I was so happy we had three amazing embies this time (a first) and chalked it up to my DH and his three super sperms that made the cut for ICSI. We have to make our DH’s feel proud and support them, male infertility is such a blow to the ego. My DH has handled it so well…I really shouldn’t be so pointy with him, but we always take it out on those we love and trust the most. Some of the pointy-ness comes from the hormones, but most I just chalk up to the extreme stress of so many years of trying, so many rounds of IVF and so much disappointment and heartache. It really changes who you are. I think if I had a baby with my first IVF I would have been left less emotionally bruised and battered. After this long road I find I am hopeful, but my expectation is lower…I am pleased with 2-3 embies as opposed to 14. I no longer believe sarcasm is a form of humour, it is the lowest form in my books and I believe there is often an air of truth from the person. I celebrate the joys and successes of others, but it feels more dull than it used to and I am less interested as I am so focused on myself…which is perceived as uncaring when I don’t jump out of my skin with joy for them. I have always said that IF is a selfish journey and I make no apologies for that. I have had to focus on what DH and I need and what is best for us. It had been a positive road in some ways as it has made us stronger, made our love deeper and forced us to be mentally and emotionally well…keeping our eye always on our goal. Yes it has come with great sacrifice and grief…but the one thing I know for sure is that it will all be worth it in the end.