My shadow

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Exhausted! That just about sums it up. I am in bed by 730 most nights and by 200 in the afternoon I am severely in need of a nap! I seem to have gotten a handle on the nausea. It is still there, but I think I have gotten used to it, and as long as I keep something in my stomach then it is bearable. I think I have eaten my weight in Marie biscuits! I am totally off meat…I just can’t do it.

My cat has become my shadow. If I am sitting, she is on me. If I am laying down, she is on me. If I go into the kitchen, she follows. When I have a shower she sits in the bathroom staring at me. She has become quite the perve. My dog does a lot if sniffing but nothing else out of the ordinary.

I thought I would be ok with a two week wait until the next scan, but I am dying to get to the next one…which is still nine sleeps away! I have some low grade anxiety, but I am really trying hard not to think negatively when there is no reason to. I have not had any bleeding (knock on wood) or anything else abnormal…so I must stay positive.

8 weeks tomorrow….

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Home at 7w1d

So I am finally back home….so happy! I have been so nauseous so my appetite is gone. I am hoping it is a good sign and not just the massive amounts of progesterone and estrogen I am on.

So tomorrow is the day. I am excited but so incredibly anxious. I am trying hard to believe and know in my heart it will be ok. I will let you all know as soon as I know. Thanks for all of your encouragement, it really has helped me so much.

On a go slow

So the blood stopped yesterday and is no where to be seen….fingers crossed. I am sure it is not the last I will see, but it gives me so much positivity and hope knowing that it ended and was not a lot. I am absolutely exhausted, but getting ready for another intralipid infusion now. The Dr’s rooms called me today and had to move my scan to 06 Sept! So I now have to wait for an additional 24 hours….I guess it won’t kill me.

Thank you ladies for all your support, it really helped me to stay positive. I guarantee I will need you again! I am on a go slow and taking it easy. Can’t wait to get home!

5w6d – Something is going on

First of all, I am good and all is well so far. Yesterday I started getting really crampy and started to feel like something is definitely going on in my uterus. I even woke up in the night from the cramping, but it is not severe, just annoying. I think I have gotten a handle on the bloating by drinking more water and eating a little less. I am getting little waves of nausea, but manageable. I am having some spotting….brown…so praying hard hard hard that it remains this way. I think I am having a little post traumatic anxiety from the spotting. It just makes me think of the miscarriage and how horrible that was. But that was in the past, that does not mean it will happen again. I am trying really hard to remind myself that spotting is normal and is not an indication of anything wrong.

I think I spoke too soon in my previous post, the anxiety is starting to come. Although it is mild and I can usually talk myself off the ledge, I think being away from home and from DH makes it more difficult to stay focused. I keep telling myself that even if I get some red blood that can be normal too…just to calm myself. As long as it is not a lot of blood. I need to stay positive! Only nine more sleeps until my scan! Come on baby…hang in there. I can’t wait for the scan!!!

Refusing to push pause

Last year was rough on DH and I. After our last miscarriage I started to feel like maybe I can’t have it all. Maybe career and family are not both possible. I started thinking of how I could downscale my job and make more time for focusing on family. IVF is very stressful. The scheduling, the anxiety, the hoping, the excitement, the hormones, the failure, the grief, the exhaustion. In an ideal world I would be independently wealthy and…..well you know, we’ve all dreamt of this scenario.

So today everything was thrown out the window. I was offered a job. A big job. An exciting job. The kind of offer you don’t turn down…….

DH and I talked about what this new job could mean for our family plans. It could present further scheduling challenges and increased stress. But at the end of the day, what do you do? Wait and watch life pass you by? DH and I both agreed that we cannot push pause and wait for IVF to work. Life has to move on and we cannot make decisions based on ‘what if?’.

We will still plan for our June/July IVF. I don’t want to hit pause anymore. DH and I are going to push play. Screw you infertility…we win this round.

IF is in charge

I have been so quiet lately! Work has been very busy. DH and I are trying to figure out when our next IVF cycle will be. We had hoped we would already be starting, but as you know IVF is a planned event. So we have been trying to find the best time where we can really focus on the next cycle. It has had me really reflecting on not just IVF and becoming pregnant…but staying pregnant.

After many years of trying and many rounds of unsuccessful IVF, you would think nothing would surprise me. There is one thing that always whacks me in the head….pointing out how unfair life can be. I have experienced it and I know many of you who have also fallen pregnant have also experienced…..the anxiety and stress of pregnancy.

IVF is a rigourous process of making sure all things out of your control meet perfection and timing. An insane amount of stress itself. Then if we do fall preggers….it is only a brief moment of celebration until something goes wrong and we are flung back into waiting, hoping and trying to stay hopeful. Once again, so many things are out of our control. We try so hard to fall preggers and when we finally do we are smacked in the head with all the things that can still go wrong.

In my pre-infertility brain, pregnancy was an exciting time. Now it leaves me feeling insane amounts of anxiety for all the things that go wrong. I guess this is the burden of infertility and miscarriage, the anxiety of failing. I need to focus more on the things I am in control of. Wait, there is nothing about infertility that is in my control. Hmmmmm……

Fragile for 2012

Another year is coming to an end. I am happy to say goodbye to 2011, as it has been a very difficult year for DH and I. I have lots of hope for 2012, but this year has changed us. The first miscarriage was early in the pregnancy, and I am so grateful for that…but it still hurts. Even nine months later, I still have sad moments thinking about what could have been. The second miscarriage was even earlier, so I didn’t need a D&C…thank goodness. I never want to have to go through a D&C again.

My hope is that 2012 will bring us our miracle. We have suffered enough…I could not bear another miscarriage. I am so scared I would completely crack if I had another one. For the first time I am genuinely scared for the next IVF. Number 6….please go easy on me. I may be a little too fragile for a January start.