It is finally my turn!

I have the best friends ever!  This past Saturday they threw me a baby shower and it was amazing!  It was most amazing because I never ever thought I would have one, so it was such a milestone.  DH drove me there and I was a little anxious and nervous, as I am now 34 weeks (I still can’t believe it!) and my hormones have decided to turn a quiet little dance party into a rager.  So I have been very emotional lately.  Everything makes me cry.  I was steeling myself so I would make it through without getting weepy, but as soon as I sat down, they started reading a letter from my Mom…..(god….I am crying again just typing this….argghh!).  I live in my husbands home country, so my family is on the other side of the world.  So it has been tough at times, because these are the special moments that you really wish your family was closer.  So they caught me off guard and I started to weep….but when I looked up everyone else was crying along with me, so I knew it was going to be ok.  Those are the best girlfriends, the ones who cry with you 🙂

We had a lovely time, and we played a few typical shower games and ate some lovely food.  Then we opened gifts, but before we started I really wanted to say something to all of them….so I steeled myself again.  Of course, it was useless as I was a puddle once again from the first sentence.  Being alone here I have really relied on my friends to celebrate with in good times and lean on in hard times.  Only a handfull of them knew of my infertility, but I am sure most of them suspected.  So I really just wanted to tell them how much the shower meant to me, that it wasn’t just about gifts and celebrating…it really had such a deeper meaning to me.  I am sure a lot of you can relate to this.  When I was in the depths of my infertility and asking all of the ‘why me’ questions, I thought a lot about all of the things I was missing out on.  Having a baby shower was one of those things.  I often visualized what I thought my baby shower would be like, who would be there, what we would eat (food being a major focus, of course!) and subconciously, I believe a baby shower was one of those milestones for me.  When I think about it, there have been three big milestones for me, that have brought up all of the infertility heartache for me…..1) hearing the heartbeat for the first time; 2) finding out the sex of the baby; and 3) my baby shower.  All of these events have been the moments that I have emotionally lost it. 

My baby shower was a bit of a coming out in a way.  I told them all how much they meant to me, and that I never thought I would ever have a baby shower, as it has been a long road for DH and I.  I tried to explain (over my blubbering) what a significant day this was for me, and to have all of them there, for them to be so kind, especially when I have no family here, just meant more to me then I think they will ever know.  So I looked up again from my tears…and there were all of them crying with me….again.  God love ’em.  They all gave me hugs and that was the end of the water works.  I pulled myself together, we opened prezzies, and had cake!  A beautiful cake that one of my friends made herself.  So special!

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They spoiled me…completely.  I have been waiting for the baby shower before DH and I bought anything.  We bought the big things, like a stroller, car seat, pack and play and we still need to get a chest of drawers, but no clothes etc.  So I walked out of there with two car loads of clothes, diapers, lotions and potions, toys….it was crazy!  Yesterday I went through everything and packed it all away in the cupboards.  I was hanging some of the clothes and had to stop and take a moment.  For the first time I started to see him in the clothes, it is the first time I have started to feel like he is really coming now.  Which is crazy, because I am as big as a house!  I think all those years of trying and hoping and failing, has left me with the need to protect myself and never believe too much, as the heartache of the loss is so much greater when you are too positive, as I learned the hard way.  It has left me hardened, and practical and way too honest with myself.  I never allowed myself to dream, to believe, to feel confident that DH and I would eventually be pregnant. What I realised as I was packing those clothes away is that it is ok, this is really going to happen, I am going to be a Mom….it still feels strange to say it, but it feels so unbelievable good to finally feel I am in a safe place to look to the future and know that everything DH and I have worked towards is finally here.  It is really going to happen.  

Over the past six years, I read the blogs of ladies who were infertile who finally became pregnant, and said it was all worth it.  All the heartache, all the money, all the stress….and I remember being happy for them, but wondering when, and more importantly ‘if’, it would ever be my turn.  Well it is finally my turn, and I am so glad I soldiered through when so many times I really wanted to give up.  Six more weeks to go! 

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Scans….and plans…..and hospital bags….Oh my!

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I am so lucky….I am having the most uneventful pregnancy ever!  That means that I have very little to write about.  So sorry for the long delays in between posts.  Also apologies because this post doesn’t have a theme, it is a mish-mash of whatever came out of my brain.

DH and I just got back from the hospital where we had our 4D scan.  I was expecting something a little more eventful.  I guess for ‘regular’ pregnant ladies, the 4D is very exciting, as they don’t have many scans.  With me, I had a scan every 2 weeks until around 16 weeks, then one every four weeks.  My Dr has a 3D scanner, so I have had lots of opportunities to see this little guy.  I am completely spoiled, but after my long journey…I deserve it!

We were able to see his face a bit better though, and spend time on the more aesthetic pleasures of growing a baby rather than just measurements.  We saw his loads of hair!  So if the old wives tales are true, that explains the unending heartburn that I am experiencing (I should have bought shares in Gaviscon, as it is a staple in my diet these days).  We also saw his long legs!  The technician even commented on his strong calf muscles.  So this also explains the quick sharp jabs to my side.  Although I must say, he is not a very active baby, he is pretty gentle most of the time and kicks to the sides.  I haven’t felt these kicks to major organs, or worse (at least I hear they are) sharp kicks to the hoo-hoo. 

However, this was not our only scan this week!  We were at the Drs office yesterday and had another scan…but that was all measurements.  His heartrate is good, measuring 144bpm, so right in the middle of the average range.  He is also around 1.4kgs at 29 weeks.  So he is a bit ahead in his growth.  I asked the Dr if this meant he might come early, and he said, “No, you are just probably going to have a big baby!”.  I laughed out loud at that.  He is really getting a sense of humour.  I guess that is what happens when you no longer have to talk about serious decisions and bad results…..and doom and gloom.  I must say, I am really enjoying this new side of my Drs appts.  I actually breathe in the waiting room, and read magazines, and am relaxed!  It’s amazing!  So this is what fertiles feel like?  I could get used to this!  The Dr also looked at the umbilical cord blood flow and all is good.  My amniotic fluid is also good, which surprised me because I feel like I am constantly dehydrated and I know I don’t drink enough water…or any fluid for that matter.

We also spoke about flying, as I have to fly next week for a teaching contract.  But I will still be 29 weeks and the Dr gave me a note, so it should be fine.  We are also considering flying to a wedding in March that is 1400kms away.  We were going to drive to the wedding, but I will be 34 weeks then, and as long as all is still fine in the pregnancy, the airline says I can fly up until 36 weeks.  We were going to drive over three days and turn it into a little ‘babymoon’, but I am so nervous about being in the middle of nowhere at 34 weeks in case something does happen.  So we are going to consider flying.

My baby shower is on 08 March!!!  Now this is what I have been waiting for my whole pregnancy, a chance to celebrate with all my friends and colleagues.  All of my family live in another country, so these milestones make me so homesick.  So I invited every woman I have ever bumped into!  I figure it would have been a big affair at home, so I need to make it a big affair here!  My close friends here are hosting and we will have around 35 people coming.  I am so excited to see everyone, I just never thought I would have a baby shower, and it is so nice to finally celebrate something!

So I am about 10 weeks away from full-term, and I have also not bought anything!  Well, that’s not totally true.  I did buy a crap load of towels on sale.  A few friends and colleagues have given me a few early gifts of clothes.  Oh, and diapers were on sale a few weeks ago and I broke down and bought two big packs.  But that’s it.  I wanted to wait until after the baby shower to see what I need.  Of course, we still need the big stuff, car seat, stroller, crib…..but we will get that after we come back from the wedding.  A friend of mine has also offered me all of her stuff, as her little one is now three years old and having a second is not really panning out for her.  She also struggles with infertility and her first was a battle, so she was never really convinced a second was an option.  However, I don’t want to take her stuff if she is not ready to let go of it, as I am sure it holds a lot of emotion for her.  So we will see how she feels in a few weeks.

We also spoke to the Dr about what kind of delivery we can expect.  I am getting so many questions from people and so much pressure to make a decision….it is a little ridiculous.  So the Dr said exactly what I have been saying (phew!), that it is too soon and lots can change from now until delivery, but as of now all options are open to me and he will support whatever I want or need, as long as there are no medical complications.  Huge sigh of relief!  I feel so much pressure from people to make a decision, when I don’t really feel the decision to have a c-section is in my hands.  I don’t come from a country that supports elective c-sections, so it is a little strange for me.  I am just so happy that my Dr is open and supports whatever I want.  I have talked to so many women who didn’t have a choice, a c-section was all they were offered.  I am sorry, but I would change doctors….I can’t believe women believe they don’t have a choice!  So very sad.

I am still loving the book ‘Bringing up Bébé’, I re-read sections all the time.  I made the mistake of watching the first 30 minutes of ‘The Business of Being Born’, and hated it!  It was a little too anti-medical establishment for me.  I don’t believe in ‘being a hero’ and having a natural birth without pain medication just to prove you can do it.  Like it is a trophy or you are a stronger woman because you did.  That documentary made me feel that anyone who didn’t want to have a home birth in a tub was a sell-out.  I think there are choices you can make, and some you can’t.  Every birth is different, and to turn birthing into a competition for women against women is ludicrous.  However, I have a feeling that ‘being a hero’ is an American perspective, as the country I am in is completely opposite…..to the other extreme.  I just want to find my happy place.

Ok….last comment, or actually it is a question.  What did you pack in your hospital bag?  I need to start thinking about that.