I have been at my Mom’s for almost a week now. Having a very nice visit and spending lots of time with my Aunt, who is in palliative care at home. Will see her for the last time today, but after spending so much time this week it is feeling much easier to say good-bye. Still hard though…I am more sad for my Mom who is losing her best friend.
Of course in these kinds of situations it really forces you to evaluate your own life and identify what is truly important. I think I am ready to start looking for something new….new job, new location, new country? I will need to talk to DH and see what he thinks. We’ll see, I am open to everything. I am really unhappy where we live now and life is too short to be unhappy with things you can do something about. We didn’t really want to consider moving the last couple of years because we have such a great fertility team. I really don’t want to let that go until we have our baby….but who knows how long that could be? We can’t hang around waiting for something that may never come. Life moves on.
So I am left thinking of new life, new lives, new living. A big change is coming. “I can feel it, coming in the air tonight….hold on.”
Every morning I have a bit of a ritual. I am a real early bird, so I when I wake up I do my morning meditation. I am still doing guided meditations because I am still new to it, about six months now but not always consistent. I have been making a real effort over the last month and I have to say it is really working for me.
I am just finding that quiet space to just clear my thoughts really helps me to start the day with an open attitude. Now those of you who follow my blog know that I am not someone who believes in absolute positivity…I believe it is about balance. Feeling sad, feeling happy, just feeling while ensuring you are emotionally balanced. It has not been easy, but I am finding that balance. It is constant work though.
So my DH just brought me my morning cup of rooibos. This is my favourite part of the day. Now I wait for my cat to come join me and then it is perfection.
I did it. I finally worked up the courage to book a follow-up appointment with our FS. October 10th. I think it is actually better to have some space between the last failed attempt and our follow-up. Normally we do the follow-up within 2 weeks, but after so much heartache and emotion, I want to be able to talk to FS in a better headspace. It is just getting harder to bounce back. So October 10th is good. We also go on leave the end of that week, so we can go on leave knowing what our plan of action (POA) is. Much better.
DH and I are prepared for a discussion on donor eggs (DE). I am more nervous that our FS will feel strongly we need to try another cycle before we move to DE. I would love for that to be an option, but in my heart I know that if we fail one more cycle I will be so upset about the money we will have then lost and could have put towards a DE cycle.
How did I get here? I am struggling a lot with how I am even in this situation. When we first started IVF discussions back in 2008, with our first cycle in 2009….it just seemed like a matter of time. After five cycles…it just all seems that much farther away. The first three cycles I could see the end like a little stone on the road in the distance, but after the first miscarriage it was like someone picked that stone up and threw it as far as they could so I couldn’t see it anymore. I hate the anxiety. For those of you who are now preggers….you now see that the journey does not end once you get that BFP. For fertiles they just bounce along, for us we are anxious at every turn. Every appointment, every cramp, every day…..anxiety. So unfair.
There is a great book by Rohinton Mistry called ‘A Fine Balance’. It is a story of an uncle and his nephew in India finding their way through the caste system and trying to build a life. It is one of my favourite reads….front to back kind of a read and it is long so you really get to live with the characters for a while….my kind of book. The story is tragic in some parts, but has great insight about the reality of life’s challenge. The whole idea of how bad things happen to good people…the up and the down, the challenge and the survival. A great, great book. If you haven’t read it….you must.
I’m not sure what to do about our IF. It is just the situation I am in. I refuse to be full of hope and light….that is just not reality. People who are overly positive and happy make me nervous….it is just not normal. You need to be sad, you need to grieve…..but you also need to live. It is about finding a balance, or trying to rebalance after a difficult time. I am out of that deep dark hole, I am now in the rebalancing phase….trying to find that fine balance. I need some time to find my center and focus on the things that bring me joy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how I got here. It matters how I move forward.