Shame…..I feel bad already just because of my title. The poor woman. She has been in the spotlight -on bump watch- since the day she was married. If she was to struggle with infertility, the microscope she is already under would bring unbelievable pressure that I don’t wish on anyone. But…I still feel a massive pang of jealousy. Marry your Prince….fall pregnant a year and a half later. Lucky bitch. Infertility brings out the selfishness we didn’t realise we had.
If only my life could also be a fairytale. But it is not….I don’t see my fairytale coming anytime soon. The only train I see coming is 40……ugh.
Well, dear Kate. I am happy for you…truly. The last thing you need on your plate is infertility. So I am happy that you were able to dodge this bullet that so many women suffer from. And when I say suffer….I mean it. I try not to ‘suffer’, but regardless of what type of feminist or women’s liberation or rights-based approach you adhere to….
It is in our genetic coding to want, seek, value, prize, focus, embrace our ability to procreate. When we don’t have that, or struggle with it, we are challenged with our ultimate femininity. I try to focus on all the things I have and have accomplished. I think of strong, intelligent women who never had children of their own….most of them unknown to the public. My closest lady-friends who never had their own. I love them….but can I accept that path for myself? Not yet. But it is not a path you choose…one that unforgivingly chooses you. Deep, deep sigh.
My lot? I hope not. But how much do you give up for what you want…..? A fine balance my dear Rohinton. Hope can take you places, but reality is a bitter pill.
One of my Managers has a problem. She is one of these people who shares every sordid detail of her life with complete strangers. She is constantly surrounded by drama. She is one of those people who sucks the life out of you because everything is about her. I am sure you know one of these people.
So last week she screwed up royally and I had to take her to a long-time-coming disciplinary. She once again boo-hoo’d her way out of being fired. But was sternly told this was her last chance. It was a taxing ordeal and I am the one left exhausted and angry. In my opinion justice was not done.
I have such a hard time dealing with other people’s drama and #@*! because I have enough of my own. I don’t spread it around and tell every person I encounter. I also do not use it as an excuse for poor work performance…and I probably could! At least mine is legitimate.
I have always been of the opinion that everyone has their cross to bear, but you are judged by how you carry it. Now I am not talking about those who have legitimate challenges, I am talking about drama queens here. Where attention seeking validation is the modus operandi. Dealing with this woman has shown me how classy I have been. I am proud of my keep calm and carry on approach. My life is not an open book and I have remained professional and respectable. I think the experience with this woman has really illustrated how strong and resilient I am. Pat on my back…..boo to emotional leeches.
Last year was rough on DH and I. After our last miscarriage I started to feel like maybe I can’t have it all. Maybe career and family are not both possible. I started thinking of how I could downscale my job and make more time for focusing on family. IVF is very stressful. The scheduling, the anxiety, the hoping, the excitement, the hormones, the failure, the grief, the exhaustion. In an ideal world I would be independently wealthy and…..well you know, we’ve all dreamt of this scenario.
So today everything was thrown out the window. I was offered a job. A big job. An exciting job. The kind of offer you don’t turn down…….
DH and I talked about what this new job could mean for our family plans. It could present further scheduling challenges and increased stress. But at the end of the day, what do you do? Wait and watch life pass you by? DH and I both agreed that we cannot push pause and wait for IVF to work. Life has to move on and we cannot make decisions based on ‘what if?’.
We will still plan for our June/July IVF. I don’t want to hit pause anymore. DH and I are going to push play. Screw you infertility…we win this round.
The last couple of weeks has been a bit of a downer. Mostly because I have been overwhelmed as I have way too much on my plate at the moment. The feeling of being overwhelmed really plays a number on your outlook on life. This last week I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage in May. I have been so sad thinking that I would be around 34 weeks now and preparing for my Christmas baby. I just can’t help thinking about what could have been and feeling it is so unfair. I have tried to work on accepting the fact that life is not always fair. That is the reality. I have tried to focus on all the amazing wonderful things in my life. I have decided that these last few cycles have really done a number on my headspace….more than I care to admit. So what now? Well, I have a POA for the new year. We will do another cycle around Jan/Feb. So I need to prepare. I need to do all I can to give this cycle the best chance. That means mind and body must get ready. We will most likely do long protocol again as that is where we have had the most success.
As you know I believe in the power of meditation, it has really helped me through dark times. So my new word I will focus on will be ‘hope’. Hope is all I have really….and it can be very powerful. I need hope. I will find hope. I find hope in all of you. Hope will lead me to my happy ending.
When I was a teenager, around 15, my Dad was diagnosed with a neurological disease. I didn’t really tell anyone…not because it was a secret, more because it just wasn’t relevent. Whenever people would find out, they would say to me, “how come you never told me?”. This has always been a challenge for me because I don’t believe that these challenges are relevant to my relationship with the majority of people I interact with. If you were close to me in my life, you would know. I never waste my information and emotion on people who I feel are not invested in my happiness. I’ll never forget when my guidance counsellor at high school told me about another student whose mother had the same disease. I was so angry, because first I thought, “but I didn’t invite you into that part of my life” and second because I thought how dare she out another student, that was not her information to tell.
Some people call it private or guarded, I call it respectful. I would never assume anything about anyone, nor divulge information that is theirs to tell. My story is mine and it is in my hands to decide who has that information. There is nothing worse in my mind than giving out information that is not yours to tell. I find people like that untrustworthy and not people I want to be around.
So I had dinner with someone DH and I are friendly with tonight. He told me about his struggles, which I didn’t appreciate as it came across as whining. As soon as he was done sharing some very personal information, he dove into asking why DH and I don’t have children. Almost as if, “well I’ve told you my struggles, now you tell me yours”. Sorry, doesn’t work that way with me.
If I wanted people to know about my struggles, I would tell them. I hate being backed into a corner and I hate the assumption that my life is an open book. It isn’t! Nothing worse than someone who uses their own drama to set the scene and then looks to you to share as a form of reciprocation but is really prying into your life.
I strongly believe that not everyone needs your whole story. You need to ensure that your story is your to tell and that means telling those you trust, those who respect your story as yours. My infertility is not the latest piece of juicy gossip.
Life is a gamble. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but human nature is envy. Envy of the winner. It is what it is.
I have been thinking a lot lately about whether IVF is ever going to work for us. Will I ever be pregnant? I look at all the amazing ladies whom I have followed for the last several years and their journey’s have been ‘treacherous’ at times and now they are sitting with pregnancies, awaiting the arrival of their adopted babies, just had their babies and even twins! I used to find so much strength in their stories, but I have to admit I am finding it hard to read their posts and enjoy all their happiness. Infertility is so so so hard. It is made even more difficult when you finally find the support from ladies you have something in common with….and then you lose that when they become pregnant. I know…these ladies can say, “but I still remember the challenges and depression I went through while we were busy with IVF.” It is just different. I am really feeling left behind. I want to be tired, up all night, feeding, changing, holding…..loving. I am so tired of being the one always wondering, hoping, waiting.
I have been thinking more and more of adoption. Maybe my children are not biologically mine….maybe that is how this story ends. I am just tired of waiting, tired of not having control, tired of the disappointment….tired of not knowing when this misery will end. Just plain tired.