I was out shopping yesterday with my Mom. Looking for christmas stuff for DH, stocking stuffers and little prezzies. We were looking at the socks and comparing the different brands and feel of them. My Mom picked up one pack of black socks and they were so soft. I looked at them closer and in dark blue writing it said ‘best dad’ on the soles. Without even thinking, I said ‘I can’t get DH these, it will make him sad’.
I have never spoken to my Mom about our IF. For very good reasons…it is very complicated. We live very far away from her and she would not be able to give us the support we need for IVF as she does not believe in it….so we have just left her out of the loop for our own sanity. Of course I am sure she is aware of our IF challenges, as we have no babies after 6 years and we are getting old.
I was just glad she didn’t say anything about my sock remark, but maybe it just confirmed for her what she already knew.
When I was a teenager, around 15, my Dad was diagnosed with a neurological disease. I didn’t really tell anyone…not because it was a secret, more because it just wasn’t relevent. Whenever people would find out, they would say to me, “how come you never told me?”. This has always been a challenge for me because I don’t believe that these challenges are relevant to my relationship with the majority of people I interact with. If you were close to me in my life, you would know. I never waste my information and emotion on people who I feel are not invested in my happiness. I’ll never forget when my guidance counsellor at high school told me about another student whose mother had the same disease. I was so angry, because first I thought, “but I didn’t invite you into that part of my life” and second because I thought how dare she out another student, that was not her information to tell.
Some people call it private or guarded, I call it respectful. I would never assume anything about anyone, nor divulge information that is theirs to tell. My story is mine and it is in my hands to decide who has that information. There is nothing worse in my mind than giving out information that is not yours to tell. I find people like that untrustworthy and not people I want to be around.
So I had dinner with someone DH and I are friendly with tonight. He told me about his struggles, which I didn’t appreciate as it came across as whining. As soon as he was done sharing some very personal information, he dove into asking why DH and I don’t have children. Almost as if, “well I’ve told you my struggles, now you tell me yours”. Sorry, doesn’t work that way with me.
If I wanted people to know about my struggles, I would tell them. I hate being backed into a corner and I hate the assumption that my life is an open book. It isn’t! Nothing worse than someone who uses their own drama to set the scene and then looks to you to share as a form of reciprocation but is really prying into your life.
I strongly believe that not everyone needs your whole story. You need to ensure that your story is your to tell and that means telling those you trust, those who respect your story as yours. My infertility is not the latest piece of juicy gossip.
So yesterday I had what my husband would call….a moment. After four rounds of IVF ICSI over the last three years we finally fell pregnant. Only to lose the pregnancy at 7 weeks. I had a D&C three weeks ago and I was doing well until yesterday. I crashed hard and was a complete and utter pile of sobbing hormones. Not a pretty sight and not something you would want to bump into in a dark alley…..or a sunny sidewalk for that matter. So this morning I figured I have to do something to get my emotions out and made the decision to start a blog.
You see…..we are in the closet. No one knows about our IVF, not my family or his family or our friends…..no one. We decided to keep it to ourselves because it was way easier. However, we never imagined we would now be in year three and still nothing to show for it but a lot of lumps and bumps, hence the name of the blog. So now what to do. I thought I would give this a whirl and hoping that it will help me vent and share. I know…..it does not replace family and friends who are supposed to hold you up in times like these, but in our situation it just wouldn’t work and would cause us more stress.
So into the world wide web I journey…..and hope that I am not here long.