I did it!

I really did it! Purchased my first baby thing today. You know when you were in high school and you would go and buy condoms….that is how I felt. It felt so crazy, but I am so happy I did it. I am going to find a nice (small) box and when I find a little treasure that speaks to me I am going to buy it.

It was an impulse buy, a little striped fleece cap with ears. I purposely stormed into the baby section and grabbed the first little thing that I went ‘Awwww…too cute’. It was one little step closer….I hope. The pic above is not my cat wearing the hat, but boy oh boy is it ever cute! To all the cat-ladies out there, do yourself a favour and google ‘cat-breading’….too funny.

I am starting to see a pattern here. I have a thing for cats wearing hats. Weird.

On another note, it looks like IVF#6 will be starting around June. Ahhh, relief! I feel like I have a bit of breathing room before we start down that road again. I am feeling unbelievably positive at the moment and it is definitley linked to my new little purchase. Excited once again about the possibilities, I hope this feeling lasts for a little while. I need some happiness.

Dearest DH

A blog I follow, ‘Don’t call me Brenda’, posted this ode to her lover. It really made me think about my own DH. My DH is amazing, always there for me. Caring, loving and always ready with hugs for those tough days when you feel the world is against you. So to all the amazing DH’s out there. You are all amazing to put up with our hormonal mess, the insane situation we are in and the fact that although we have to show our hoo-hoo every 5 seconds, we recognize that the insane pressure and uncomfortable sample situation you are in is very compromising. We love you DH’s, you are awesome.

white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits

I have some lovely friends from New Zealand, and I was very fortunate to stay with them for six weeks one summer. The morning of 01 June I woke up and was greeted by everyone in the house with ‘white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits’.
There is a belief that if you utter ‘white rabbits’ three times as your first words on the first of the month it will bring you good luck. I think it is an English thing…not sure.

Sometimes I feel like my luck has run out, so hoping the ‘white rabbits’ might give me a little edge in February. I especially want to send ‘white rabbits’ to all of you who are going through a tough time right now. I hope that February will bring you all that little bit of hope and luck that makes this journey a little more bearable.

Day 30 – Beastly PMS

Today is Day 30. For the last three months I have been having around a 35 day cycle. So I expect AF in 5 more days. I am still having pms and I am very tired now…..AF must come now. I am not sleeping well at night, so I need to take care of that. Nothing worse that a cranky, tired, pms’ing wife. Poor DH.

I had a hectic day at work yesterday. I had to do some shopping for groceries on my way home. When I arrived home I had to feed the furbabies, load the dishwasher and as I started to pack away the groceries DH came home from gym. We chatted and then he plopped down on the couch and turned on the tv. I was still busy in the kitchen trying to put away groceries, think about dinner and I am still in my work clothes and my feet are killing me. So I start feeling irritable…x10 because of my pms. Of course I direct it at poor DH. I told him that I was very tired and my day has not stopped yet. Looking at him having been to gym, now relaxing on the couch I was very irritated. I was very snappy. But wonderful, loving, amazing DH just said, ‘go upstairs, get into something comfy and I’ll pour you a glass of wine’ and with a smile. So I went upstairs, changed into something comfy and came downstairs to a glass of wine and a little cuddle from DH.

It made me relax immediately. He is so good. Although I need to keep this beastly behaviour I have been dishing at him in check. He is only human after all.

Grammar lesson for IF

I read an article today by Martha Beck about visualizing your goals. It appears that focusing on adjectives instead of nouns may be the trick. Instead of focusing on what you ‘want’ or ‘need’, it should be around the adjectives that describe what you would feel once you achieve the goal. The thinking is that it makes you focus on the way your goal makes you feel, which emits positivity. When you focus on the actual goal, your focus tends to be negative as you are focusing on what you have been unable to achieve and it carries with it all the negative emotions.

Think about it. If I focus on my goal of having a baby – I see the challenge ahead, I feel the disappointment of all the failed cycles, I feel the time ticking away, I see the possibility of having a successful pregnancy, but feel the anxiety and fear that comes with it.

If I focus on adjectives that describe my goal – a successful pregnancy – I feel excited, fulfilled, hopeful, happiness, success, brilliance, complete. Amazing how something as simple as an adjective can change your perspective. Infertility…the constant mind game.

“You only need to win 51% of the battles, to win the war.” MB

Fragile for 2012

Another year is coming to an end. I am happy to say goodbye to 2011, as it has been a very difficult year for DH and I. I have lots of hope for 2012, but this year has changed us. The first miscarriage was early in the pregnancy, and I am so grateful for that…but it still hurts. Even nine months later, I still have sad moments thinking about what could have been. The second miscarriage was even earlier, so I didn’t need a D&C…thank goodness. I never want to have to go through a D&C again.

My hope is that 2012 will bring us our miracle. We have suffered enough…I could not bear another miscarriage. I am so scared I would completely crack if I had another one. For the first time I am genuinely scared for the next IVF. Number 6….please go easy on me. I may be a little too fragile for a January start.

Numbers game

Infertility sucks the big one! I am caught in this horrible trap of counting. Counting cycle days, counting possible Day 1’s, counting how much money I need for the next IVF. Counting the pregnancy week I would have been in had I not miscarried in May. Damn numbers….

My due date would have been 27 Dec. I kept telling myself to not focus on something that will not be, but that date has always stuck in my head! It is so hard not to think about it. I can’t believe how much time I take staring at my calendar counting out 28 days. It is bordering on neurotic. Numbers…..go away. This Christmas is going to be a tough one….but only if I allow it. Therefore, I refuse. I will not let the pain of yesterday haunt my today. I will have a great Christmas holiday and I will focus on the future. Add a giant glass of wine and I will cope.

One glass of wine….mwah ah ah. Two glasses of wine….mwah ah ah….