This morning I am picking up my bag ‘o drugs at the FS office. I am excited at the possibilities ahead, but feeling a little anxious that I am once again on this doorstep. We will be doing long protocol and I start Lucrin injections next Sunday.
DH an I had a fabulous wknd. Dinner with friends both nights and a very relaxing Sunday. We went to see the new movie Prometheus (I was too tired to fight for a more compatible movie), but I enjoy Ridley Scott so thought I would give it a whirl. Well….it was a little crazy and very strange, but is was Sci-Fi after all. The reason I bring it up is that the underlying storyline was about the possibility of searching and meeting the ‘creator’ of humans. There is a lot of talk and action around birth and death in the movie. I am sure if you deconstructed the story it would be about our need as humans to pursue our past and secure our future.
I know that for a lot of people the next obvious connection is to “Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe” the movie and connect it to the bible – funny how we seek out familiar patterns – but I was not there at all with this movie. I felt it was more about the ‘human’ role and need.
Okay, I obviously have reproduction on the brain and for 7am in the morning…I am pretty sure this is more babbling then rationale thought. Anyways, I am just excited to be starting again. Like IVFs before, I love the beginning…just hope I love the end.
One last thought….I love CS Lewis. I would love to do a CS Lewis themed nursery. There used to be a children’s bookstore at Yorkville Mall in Toronto called ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’. I wonder if it is still there?
Ok, this post is officially jumbled now.
Where I grew up my aunt and uncle lived very close to us. There were four girls in my family and three cousins down the road…..all girls. So it was like growing up in a family of seven girls and we were all very close in age. My aunt was also my godmother. Yesterday she died. I had been home in December to say my goodbyes, as she was in palliative care so we all knew it was only a matter of time. Unfortunately I live very, very far from my family, so going to the funeral is not an option. I knew that when I was home in December that I would not be coming back. It was difficult to say good-bye then, and even more difficult knowing I cannot be with my family at this time.
I know this is going to be a tough time on my sisters and cousins, but especially my uncle whom she leaves behind and my mom who was very close to her sister. I am thinking of them lots and praying strength that they can move through these very tough next couple of days and weeks….and months. I have attached a video of Jimmy Rankin singing ‘Fare thee well’, he is solo nowadays, but in the 90’s was very popular with his brother and sisters as The Rankins. Jimmy stopped singing this song when his older brother died in a car accident in 2000. In 2010, he found the strength to sing this beautiful song again. My aunt and uncle went to see Jimmy and The Rankins sing live many times over the years. This was one of her favourite songs.
DH just arrived home on Friday after being away on business for four weeks…it was so great to have him back home. However, I am now sitting at the airport waiting to fly out for two weeks! I can’t wait for the travelling to end, it has been hectic these last two months.
I am heading overseas for business for one week, then to my mother’s for an additional week. My aunt is in palliative care, so I am going home to say goodbye. So ironic…the last three years have been about creating life and now I have to say goodbye to a life well-lived. I know many of my fellow IF’ers have had to say goodbye to parents, family and friends during their IF journey. It is always a difficult event to walk through, but has me reflecting on the dichotomy of life and death.
Death is the end we all know is inevitable, but we all hope we have a long and fulfilling life. Also that the end is a peaceful transition. When you are ill, as my aunt is, you fight with everything you have to delay the inevitable. Sometimes even beating it. New life is a blessing, but with IF it is a miracle! The emotional journey through death and life for those of us who struggle with fertility actually has more similarities than differences. We mourn the loss of our fertile dreams and brave the challenge of fighting against all odds for our miracle. We go through the grief and loss cycle the same as mourning a loved one. We revel in the miracles of science the way those who are given an extension on life do.
I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to my beloved aunt. It will be hard and emotional. However IF has taught me to take challenge one day at a time…and sometimes one minute at a time. I will be grateful to have had this time to say goodbye to my aunt and tap into the strength I have built through my own many challenges.
Life is hard….it really is, but full of wondrous miracles that peep out every now and again. I will keep looking for the miracle in everything. Hope.