Crystal ball anyone??

I have been thinking a lot lately about whether IVF is ever going to work for us. Will I ever be pregnant? I look at all the amazing ladies whom I have followed for the last several years and their journey’s have been ‘treacherous’ at times and now they are sitting with pregnancies, awaiting the arrival of their adopted babies, just had their babies and even twins! I used to find so much strength in their stories, but I have to admit I am finding it hard to read their posts and enjoy all their happiness. Infertility is so so so hard. It is made even more difficult when you finally find the support from ladies you have something in common with….and then you lose that when they become pregnant. I know…these ladies can say, “but I still remember the challenges and depression I went through while we were busy with IVF.” It is just different. I am really feeling left behind. I want to be tired, up all night, feeding, changing, holding…..loving. I am so tired of being the one always wondering, hoping, waiting.

I have been thinking more and more of adoption. Maybe my children are not biologically mine….maybe that is how this story ends. I am just tired of waiting, tired of not having control, tired of the disappointment….tired of not knowing when this misery will end. Just plain tired.

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If it starts to rain I might just crack

So I am feeling a little bit more stable.  I emphasize the ‘little bit’.  I still kind of feel like if someone was to start being difficult with me I might just start to cry.  I told my husband this morning how connected my confidence level is with my mental stability, which I guess is true for everyone.  The more you feel beaten down, the more you are prone to depression, anxiety and that feeling like the world is against you.  I need to work really hard right now to remind myself that I am a good person, I am a successful person and that the miscarriage had nothing to do with anything that I did.

I have been in the world of being an ‘IF’ (infertile) for several year now and have gotten used to the ups and downs, the many trips to the fertility specialist, the neverending internal scans of my uterus and ovaries….and the needle pokes and procedures that come with IVF.  Miscarriage is a new one for me.  I am wading my way through the excitement of the possibilities after never having a BFP (big, fat, positive) until recently, then losing everything over several days of bleeding and unknowns and hoping and praying.  Dealing with the loss is strange because I never really felt I had anything as it was so early in the pregnancy, but at the same time I know I did and was so close.