Friday countdown

So I spoke to my Mom and for once (finally!) she agreed that my sisters are selfish little brats who need to grow up. I was so proud of her because she actually told them to knock it off and start being adults. It was such a relief because my Mom never takes sides…she has always defended them. It is such validation to finally hear her speak the truth.

So I saw the last of my friends today and told her I am preggers. The rest of my friends were so relieved as they were struggling to keep it a secret any longer. It was really nice, my friends have been so amazing and so excited. We are all getting together next week, so if we find out the sex on Friday, then I get to do a reveal next week. So I really hope this little one shows us the goods on Friday!

On the job front, I am really enjoying my contract, I just wish it was more hours. I have started applying for other jobs so I really hope something works out. I keep telling myself not to worry, but deep down I am really worried. I’ll be so happy when I know I have enough work from now until April to take a reasonable maternity leave.

Anyways…I must focus on today and not worry about tomorrow. Easier said than done. But I can’t wait for Friday….I really hope we find out the sex!

The olive branch is on fire!

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So I decided to take the high road with my sisters….again…..and I must tell you the air up here is thin and I am starting to feel woozy. I had really hoped that by reaching out to them and putting the ball in their court to tell me what they want, could open up a discussion where I could negotiate with them and let them know gently what would work for DH and me. Well I should have known better….as it backfired royally.

So here was the bulk of my email to my three sisters and my Mom.

I sent them the pic of my little belly above, some info on how many weeks I am, when my next scan is and how I can’t believe Sister#1 had already planned a trip before we knew we were pregnant……and cue olive branch, “We are planning to come home Christmas 2014, so the baby will be around 7-8 months by then and much more exciting and interesting. If you want to come and visit before then, let’s skype and see what works. Love you guys and wishing I was closer.”

So I waited (as there is a 6-9 hour time difference) and a little later in the day I received the following responses.

Sister#1
“so crazy and so exciting…can’t wait to see photos as you grow! Loved your update and looking forward to more! Love ya”

Very nice…left me with a warm and fuzzy and so happy I have my sisters even though they are far away.

Sister#2
“ahhhhhhhh! what a DELIGHTFUL email!! such a lovely topic and so inclusive and communicative…made my friday! I am not coming for the birth, not that i wouldn’t love to be there, but i will only have one trip in the next few years and i want to make sure it counts! So i’m going to save mine until after you come here for christmas. xoxo

Okay, again very nice. A little passive aggressive jab at the beginning as she is mad that Sister#1 and my mom have already made plans and she believes it should have been discussed with her…but I’ll let that go in the spirit of family. However, I was particularly amused at the part where she states she is not coming to the birth. Well that was the first time I had heard she was wanting to do that. What ever happened to common courtesy, to ask people when it would be a good time to visit, instead of telling them when you will visit.

Sister#3
“I agree, good to get some communication. So it looks like I have to sit through a Skype session to explain why I feel like I should be a part of this lol … Some things never change eh folks. Well don’t you all worry… I will not be showing up unannounced, I will not be skyping my feelings and I will not be able to come home for Xmas next year as I can’t have two years in a row. So there you go…. My itinerary… None of you have to worry, you are all in the clear:) Love…”

Wowzers! So this is the sister who I get a happy birthday text once a year and had been planning with my Mom to come and visit. I promptly told my mother that she hadn’t even sent me a message when she found out I was pregnant, I had to send a message a few days later and I had heard nothing of her wanting to come. I told my mom it would be nice if she picked up the phone and actually spoke to me about her plans. So she is just an angry person and I figure no matter what you say, she will be angry.

So a little hurt by some. Poor Sister#1 is getting it bad though from the other sisters for making plans without consulting them….since when did we become a collective? So I feel really bad for her, because she doesn’t deserve their mean and misdirected anger.

I wanted to fire back a message to tell them to grow the f*** up, but decided that would only fuel the fire. I thought maybe I should call them individually…but I know two of them do not have the capacity to listen to anyone else’s feelings other than their own. So it would just upset me more.

What hurts the most is that I know my Mom and Sister#1 are incredibly sad after reading those emails….and I think it is just so mean how my two other sisters victimize them. Although my Mom and Sister#2 allow them to bully them.

I am not sure what I am going to do. I think I will let it simmer down for a few days.

Selfish sisters

I really need some advice on how to deal with my family.

So I am from a family of four girls, who are all over 30….so you would expect they could be reasonable. So the problem is that they are all planning to descend upon me when the baby is born. The challenge is that I live in another country, a 35 hour flight from where my family lives. So if they come, they stay for a long time, in my house, dependent on DH and I for everything. One of my sisters had already planned a trip to visit me before we learned we were pregnant, and she is also the sister I am closest to, so I want her here. I also want my mom here as this is her first, and may be her only grandchild. To have all of them here would be too much.

But what makes me most upset is that my two youngest sisters have barely kept in touch with me over the last 10 years and only one was ever here to visit me. And when she did visit, she was high maintenance and ungrateful for everything DH and I did for her. I find it unbelievable that they have been discussing with my mom about coming here to visit when the baby is born but have not even taken the time to call and congratulate me yet.

DH and I are planning to go home for Christmas 2014, so everyone will see the baby then when he/she is 7-8 months…and much more interactive. DH and I would also like some time alone with this new little person.

So how do I gently say this to my sisters without causing WW3, because they make everything about them. I think I am actually really hurt that they have been no where to be found for the last several years and now they want to be here…and I don’t feel they want to be here for me. DH and I have battled infertility on our own. We have been through hell and who are they to impose on this special time for DH and I.

I want to be diplomatic and caring, but I feel no matter what I say….they will never see how selfish they are being….and I am the baddie, as always.

Thin hope

If you are reading this, you know what it is like to be infertile. If I can be selfish for a moment…..

If you have an extra prayer, an extra candle, an extra wish, an extra meditation. Can you think of my DH and me. We need all the help we can get. This long road is weary and we are running out of time and options. Sometimes hope runs thin and desperation is a dark place. We could use your positive energy and thoughts.

Thanks.

A very sad day

Where I grew up my aunt and uncle lived very close to us. There were four girls in my family and three cousins down the road…..all girls. So it was like growing up in a family of seven girls and we were all very close in age. My aunt was also my godmother. Yesterday she died. I had been home in December to say my goodbyes, as she was in palliative care so we all knew it was only a matter of time. Unfortunately I live very, very far from my family, so going to the funeral is not an option. I knew that when I was home in December that I would not be coming back. It was difficult to say good-bye then, and even more difficult knowing I cannot be with my family at this time.

I know this is going to be a tough time on my sisters and cousins, but especially my uncle whom she leaves behind and my mom who was very close to her sister. I am thinking of them lots and praying strength that they can move through these very tough next couple of days and weeks….and months. I have attached a video of Jimmy Rankin singing ‘Fare thee well’, he is solo nowadays, but in the 90’s was very popular with his brother and sisters as The Rankins. Jimmy stopped singing this song when his older brother died in a car accident in 2000. In 2010, he found the strength to sing this beautiful song again. My aunt and uncle went to see Jimmy and The Rankins sing live many times over the years. This was one of her favourite songs.

Thinking of new life

I have been at my Mom’s for almost a week now. Having a very nice visit and spending lots of time with my Aunt, who is in palliative care at home. Will see her for the last time today, but after spending so much time this week it is feeling much easier to say good-bye. Still hard though…I am more sad for my Mom who is losing her best friend.

Of course in these kinds of situations it really forces you to evaluate your own life and identify what is truly important. I think I am ready to start looking for something new….new job, new location, new country? I will need to talk to DH and see what he thinks. We’ll see, I am open to everything. I am really unhappy where we live now and life is too short to be unhappy with things you can do something about. We didn’t really want to consider moving the last couple of years because we have such a great fertility team. I really don’t want to let that go until we have our baby….but who knows how long that could be? We can’t hang around waiting for something that may never come. Life moves on.

So I am left thinking of new life, new lives, new living. A big change is coming. “I can feel it, coming in the air tonight….hold on.”

Sad Socks

I was out shopping yesterday with my Mom. Looking for christmas stuff for DH, stocking stuffers and little prezzies. We were looking at the socks and comparing the different brands and feel of them. My Mom picked up one pack of black socks and they were so soft. I looked at them closer and in dark blue writing it said ‘best dad’ on the soles. Without even thinking, I said ‘I can’t get DH these, it will make him sad’.

I have never spoken to my Mom about our IF. For very good reasons…it is very complicated. We live very far away from her and she would not be able to give us the support we need for IVF as she does not believe in it….so we have just left her out of the loop for our own sanity. Of course I am sure she is aware of our IF challenges, as we have no babies after 6 years and we are getting old.

I was just glad she didn’t say anything about my sock remark, but maybe it just confirmed for her what she already knew.