It is finally my turn!

I have the best friends ever!  This past Saturday they threw me a baby shower and it was amazing!  It was most amazing because I never ever thought I would have one, so it was such a milestone.  DH drove me there and I was a little anxious and nervous, as I am now 34 weeks (I still can’t believe it!) and my hormones have decided to turn a quiet little dance party into a rager.  So I have been very emotional lately.  Everything makes me cry.  I was steeling myself so I would make it through without getting weepy, but as soon as I sat down, they started reading a letter from my Mom…..(god….I am crying again just typing this….argghh!).  I live in my husbands home country, so my family is on the other side of the world.  So it has been tough at times, because these are the special moments that you really wish your family was closer.  So they caught me off guard and I started to weep….but when I looked up everyone else was crying along with me, so I knew it was going to be ok.  Those are the best girlfriends, the ones who cry with you 🙂

We had a lovely time, and we played a few typical shower games and ate some lovely food.  Then we opened gifts, but before we started I really wanted to say something to all of them….so I steeled myself again.  Of course, it was useless as I was a puddle once again from the first sentence.  Being alone here I have really relied on my friends to celebrate with in good times and lean on in hard times.  Only a handfull of them knew of my infertility, but I am sure most of them suspected.  So I really just wanted to tell them how much the shower meant to me, that it wasn’t just about gifts and celebrating…it really had such a deeper meaning to me.  I am sure a lot of you can relate to this.  When I was in the depths of my infertility and asking all of the ‘why me’ questions, I thought a lot about all of the things I was missing out on.  Having a baby shower was one of those things.  I often visualized what I thought my baby shower would be like, who would be there, what we would eat (food being a major focus, of course!) and subconciously, I believe a baby shower was one of those milestones for me.  When I think about it, there have been three big milestones for me, that have brought up all of the infertility heartache for me…..1) hearing the heartbeat for the first time; 2) finding out the sex of the baby; and 3) my baby shower.  All of these events have been the moments that I have emotionally lost it. 

My baby shower was a bit of a coming out in a way.  I told them all how much they meant to me, and that I never thought I would ever have a baby shower, as it has been a long road for DH and I.  I tried to explain (over my blubbering) what a significant day this was for me, and to have all of them there, for them to be so kind, especially when I have no family here, just meant more to me then I think they will ever know.  So I looked up again from my tears…and there were all of them crying with me….again.  God love ’em.  They all gave me hugs and that was the end of the water works.  I pulled myself together, we opened prezzies, and had cake!  A beautiful cake that one of my friends made herself.  So special!

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They spoiled me…completely.  I have been waiting for the baby shower before DH and I bought anything.  We bought the big things, like a stroller, car seat, pack and play and we still need to get a chest of drawers, but no clothes etc.  So I walked out of there with two car loads of clothes, diapers, lotions and potions, toys….it was crazy!  Yesterday I went through everything and packed it all away in the cupboards.  I was hanging some of the clothes and had to stop and take a moment.  For the first time I started to see him in the clothes, it is the first time I have started to feel like he is really coming now.  Which is crazy, because I am as big as a house!  I think all those years of trying and hoping and failing, has left me with the need to protect myself and never believe too much, as the heartache of the loss is so much greater when you are too positive, as I learned the hard way.  It has left me hardened, and practical and way too honest with myself.  I never allowed myself to dream, to believe, to feel confident that DH and I would eventually be pregnant. What I realised as I was packing those clothes away is that it is ok, this is really going to happen, I am going to be a Mom….it still feels strange to say it, but it feels so unbelievable good to finally feel I am in a safe place to look to the future and know that everything DH and I have worked towards is finally here.  It is really going to happen.  

Over the past six years, I read the blogs of ladies who were infertile who finally became pregnant, and said it was all worth it.  All the heartache, all the money, all the stress….and I remember being happy for them, but wondering when, and more importantly ‘if’, it would ever be my turn.  Well it is finally my turn, and I am so glad I soldiered through when so many times I really wanted to give up.  Six more weeks to go! 

Good friends can be hard to find

I have my best friend visiting me at the moment. She lives quite far from me so I rarely get to spend time with her. Most of our contact is by telephone and email, so it is so nice to have all this great time with her. She is one of the few people who know our IVF adventure, so it is great to speak so freely! She has been so supportive and in the best way….the way that BFF’s are supposed to be. Especially because she has chosen not to have children and has been so amazing about my choice to take drastic measures for children. Now that is a true friend….supportive of you regardless of their own choices and beliefs, because it is about you and not them. Amazing how few of these people there truly are in the world.

Yesterday we were chatting about who we have kept in contact with over the years. She has recently separated from her husband and has really had an opportunity to see who her real friends are. I have had a similar experience over the years when you are facing a challenge you really find out who your true friends are. We are both ‘older’, so have many different friends from different times in our lives. She was surprised at how few real friends she now feels she has after going through this separation. Although we quickly realized that she has stayed in the same city since birth and I am now living in my seventh city. So I have lost touch with a lot of people because I have moved so much, but the ones I have kept in touch with are dear. Okay….and I am also not on Facebook. While she has kept many friends over the years because they have all stayed in the same city so bump into each other quite regularly.

The point is…friends are many and fleeting, but good friends are few and dear. Hold the good ones tight ladies, this journey is a bitch and good friends will hold you up in the tough times.

Dipping your toe in the water

White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits everyone! (See my earlier post on white rabbits if you are confused)

So we had a lovely evening with friends last night, and they have recently decided to see a FS. Well it opened up a whole discussion about our journey and it was the first time we had actually shared that kind of detail with anyone….it was great! Although I still standby my decision not to share our journey openly with every Tom, Dick and Harry. They have a similar situation to us, in regards to age and sperm quality issues. I was very honest with them and encouraged them to go straight to IVF, given their age and the male factor. They felt they would start with IUI. In my opinion, a waste of time…but I started thinking about the beginning of our journey and the day our FS first told us our options. I always thought IVF was the last option, that you exhaust everything before moving to IVF, so I was shocked when our FS said we should go straight to IVF. We also tossed around the idea of IUI, it kind of felt more like a warm-up to IVF…a chance for us to dip our toe into fertility treatment without jumping all the way in. So I can appreciate their need to start with IUI, they are dipping their toe in to test the water. Fair. Very fair.

Speaking to our friends last night really reminded me how scary it all was in the beginning, how it all feels so overwhelming and how intimidating the process can be. I just hope their journey is shorter than ours, although it is going to be really hard for me if they fall pregnant before us. Hopefully it all works out and we can be pregnant at the same time….wouldn’t that be a wonderful, glorious miracle. I would love that! Universe…..are you listening?