DH and I sat waiting so patiently to see the FS today. We hadn’t been back to see him since our last cycle ended with a very short lived BFP in August. We had prepared ourselves for the possibility of DE, we had also prepared ourselves for the possibility of walking away without a clear plan. IF is not a simple recipe, or easy intervention. It is a gamble in so many ways.
So we went through out entire history with our FS. We spoke about my eggs and although I have never produced very many, our FS is happy with the quality. DH has very few good sperm, but because we do ICSI that removes the male factor. Also we have always had a fairly high fertilisation rate, which again supports the fact that my eggs are decent and DH’s sperm are as well. Our FS then explained that because we have achieved implantation twice, although unsuccessful, the fact that we had some BFP’s is a good sign….however it makes offering another option a little more difficult. There are many reasons for miscarriage, and we have already ruled out chromosomal challenges through genetic testing as well as clotting abnormalities. My uterus is in good shape, and my endometriosis is not interfering. The only other factor that could be playing a role is an immunological challenge, that Intralipid could take care of….partially. We spoke about DE and if we had never had a positive result, or our embies were poor, then that would be the obvious next step. Because our embies are good and we have had implantation…..DE may not be the solution right now. If there is an immunological problem, I may never carry, I may continue to miscarry….but we don’t know that for sure. We could go with DE, and that would improve our embies, but if the problem is not the embies, we are not really any better off.
So my dear IVF friends…..what to do? Our FS said that he wished he had an easy answer for us, but it is not an easy situation. He did suggest Clexhane to thin my blood and do Intralipids a week before transfer, so there are some minor changes we can make. Although our FS was clear, there is little scientific evidence for this and he is going on his gut feeling based on other cases he has had that are similar to us. This is a big shift for our FS, because he doesn’t usually go with his gut, he goes with science. This tells me he is really grasping for options for us. I can’t decide if that is good or bad.
DH and I have had a long chat and feel we need to give our embies another shot. I am still 37 and as long as my embies are holding up….we think we should keep trying. I just don’t know how long I will hold up. So we are back on our same path…..long protocol IVF ICSI with Intralipids and maybe Clexhane this time around. Maybe December, maybe January….we’ll see. I wish it were all more definite and easier…..but it is not. So we have a few months to get ourselves into the best shape we can to give the next round every chance for success. I can’t believe we are headed for round number six! It blows my mind (and my bank account) that we are where we are. It will happen…it will just take more time unfortunately.
But as of now…I am on holiday. One last hurrah before we start focusing on getting ready for our next cycle.
It is Saturday morning and I am doing my most favourite thing. Sitting in bed with my rooibos and my cat. I am wondering about our FS appointment on Monday. Not sure what to expect anymore as the cards on the table have changed significantly.
We have been doing IVF since 2009, five cycles total….and nothing. Nothing but heartache. We know I can get pregnant, but not sure I can carry to term….although we don’t know for sure if it is me or the eggs….I am really hoping its the eggs. I am ready to discuss the option of donor eggs. Although it is all still kind of strange to me, I am actually hoping DE will be his suggestion. I am tired of round after round. I am ready for baby now….where ever my baby comes from. I would love to experience pregnancy, but it is still an unknown if I will. Do you hear me universe! I am ready for baby….anytime now!
I have never bought any baby things….it always felt like a jinx. I think it is time to start collecting a little box. Wow! That is a huge step for me. For the first-time I think I am actually starting to believe that baby will come….I don’t know when or how….but he/she will come. I believe.
I haven’t posted in a while. Mostly because I just didn’t have anything to say. I have been so busy, we are going on leave in a week and I have so much to do before we go. I have really not been thinking much about IF, we have our follow-up appointment with the FS on Monday, so we’ll see what he says.
It is good I have had this time…I feel so much more myself, less hormonal after the last 6 months of two IVFs and three miscarriages. It is good to have this space. I will see what happens on Monday, my mind is open to the possibilities.
On another note….I have decided to start my own business next year with three others. It is a big move, but one I have been thinking about for a while. I feel so good about this decision. Life must go on…eh?
Time really does give you some perspective…it also evens out wild hormones. IVF is such a hormonal roller coaster, and at the end of the cycle (positive or negative) your hormones are still in full gear. I now feel my hormones evening out and am feeling more like myself. What a difference some time and less hormones makes. I feel more clear-headed, way less emotional about everything (although still a bit teary now and again) and I actually feel ready to talk about the next steps.
I have been avoiding making an appointment with the FS because I was just not ready to discuss anything. I needed a bit of space and time to just grieve our last cycle. Every cycle is getting harder and harder on DH and I emotionally, so it is really important that we acknowledge our losses and grieve for them. We have to let out the pain and anger or else it will just follow us into our next cycle.
I have been emailing the nurse at the clinic and her words have been so encouraging. I tell her thank you all the time for her support, but I often wonder if she really knows how she has been such an angel to me during this crazy journey. So next steps, I will make the FS appointment and we will go there with open minds to all the possibilities. I don’t want to go with any set agenda…I just need to listen and take in all the information. Then DH and I can make an informed decision instead of an emotional one.