A little Dickens past, present and future

It is Christmas Eve day and I have been doing a little Dickens-esque past, present and future reflection. Specifically about last Christmas as we were still not sure if we would do DE. We were in a major IVF rut from the failures of last year and I was feeling rather hopeless about future IVF attempts. I was actually dreading the thought of having to do IVF again and was seriously considering stopping…for good. It is so hard, so emotional, so expensive, so hard on my marriage, so all-consuming that I questioned whether it was worth it. We had put in a long hard fight and maybe it was time to move on. I hated that my life revolved around planning for cycles.

At Christmas, my negativity and hopelessness were always at a high. Christmas is a hard time of year to be infertile, because it reminds us of the family we may never have….the quiet Christmas with just you two, when all you really want is the early morning Santa excitement, the family traditions, the pictures, the excitement of Christmas through your child’s eyes. Last Christmas I was so broken.

Now it is 2013 and boy are things different. I am enjoying my last solitary Christmas with DH. We are taking it really easy and not getting caught up I all the hustle and bustle. I am 23 weeks now and carrying small, but I have a noticeable bump! It is an exciting time that I never thought would happen. Our 8th wedding anniversary is on New Years…so we will celebrate this whole holiday season, our last as an infertile couple. I really never thought this could happen…I really gave up hope after my miscarriage in 2011, and with my 40th birthday looming next year, I was really ready to pack it all in. With DE, it gave me a new light, a new hope…that it can happen…I never would have believed it last Christmas. I still can’t believe I am pregnant. It is an absolute miracle….and a bit of scientific intervention 😉

Oh what a difference a year makes! Love to all of you and all your families this holiday season.

“I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach!”

Charles Dickens

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On a go slow

So the blood stopped yesterday and is no where to be seen….fingers crossed. I am sure it is not the last I will see, but it gives me so much positivity and hope knowing that it ended and was not a lot. I am absolutely exhausted, but getting ready for another intralipid infusion now. The Dr’s rooms called me today and had to move my scan to 06 Sept! So I now have to wait for an additional 24 hours….I guess it won’t kill me.

Thank you ladies for all your support, it really helped me to stay positive. I guarantee I will need you again! I am on a go slow and taking it easy. Can’t wait to get home!

Pinching myself

So my second beta is in…..100.8! More than double! So so so happy and a huge sigh of relief. Just about to head in for another intralipid. DH and I are then off for a weekend away before I head out of the country again for work.

I’ll be out of the country for three weeks, so if my little vampire hangs in for the next while, then will have my first scan the day I get back. I will be 7 weeks by then, so next step is heartbeat!

I’m feeling good, a little tired, sneezy and runny nose and a crampy uterus. But minor really. So far…..

I’ll take it…

 

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Just received my call from the clinic…..beta is 39.5.  I was hoping a little higher, but I guess we will have to see what happens on Friday.  It is all about the doubling, not the number….must stay focused!  Thanks for all of your well wishes, I feel great and positive and so incredibly fortunate at the moment.  I hope this great feeling keeps on rolling.

Let’s play ‘Can you see it!’

So I did an HPT on 6dp5dt and here is what I saw…

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Then I did an HPT on 7dp5dt (this morning) and this is what I saw…

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Tell me if you see it, but I think there is something feint there. Yesterday my boobs started to blow up and ache so that is a good sign. I am sneezing like crazy and have a runny nose and my uterus is heavy. A mild headache but keeping it at bay with lots of water. Yesterday I started running to the loo way more, but that could be because I am drinking more water.

I have a digital HPT that I will do tomorrow morning, just to confirm before I head out for my beta. So fingers crossed I keep getting good news, I hope I have a strong beta……please, please, please.

4dp5dt

It feels so nice to type 5dt, as it just has so much more hope to it. I feel so lucky to finally be part of the 5dt club!

So I have been laying low, I haven’t had any symptoms, other than a heavy twitchy uterus and being tired. But I think this is due to the 6mg of estrogen and three Cyclogest a day. I am in a hormone haze. I had a migraine of note from day of transfer until Thursday. So I had to cave and take some paracetamol….although it did nothing. I was crying to DH for some ‘real’ drugs but no luck. Fortunately the migraine lifted yesterday. I was nervous that maybe it was the prontogest injection on Tuesday that triggered the migraine, and I had to have another yesterday, but so far so good. My head is not bad today. I keep squeezing my boobs hoping for some soreness, but nothing so far. I should know by now that I shouldn’t read into anything this early.

So tomorrow will be 5dp5dt, and I will probably POAS, although I know it is super early still. I’ll POAS until I go for my beta on Wednesday. I’m hopeful still, but you know how it goes, the closer to beta the more we start doubting it could happen. DH is so nervous this time around, he is usually the cool one. He keeps asking when I am going to POAS. It’s really cute.

Next weekend we are going away with some friends, so if it is positive I will celebrate with lemonade and if negative drown my sorrows in a Cabernet Sauvignon.

And the waiting begins…

I am exhausted and my head feels like it is going to explode already! The progesterone always gives me horrible headaches. Yesterday it was on the left side of my head, today the right. So I am hoping it is evening out. I am taking it easy at home, just working on a report that is not moving along as quickly as I would like, but hoping tomorrow is more productive. I am on three Cyclogest and three Progynova a day….so I am pleasantly pickled in hormones at the moment.

My uterus is twingey, but I think that is also the progesterone. I bought all my HPTs yesterday, so I am ready to see those beautiful pink lines! I have been trying to meditate, but I keep falling asleep…so I guess that is what my body needs.

Anyways, the waiting continues. Seven more sleeps until I test!