Time really does give you some perspective…it also evens out wild hormones. IVF is such a hormonal roller coaster, and at the end of the cycle (positive or negative) your hormones are still in full gear. I now feel my hormones evening out and am feeling more like myself. What a difference some time and less hormones makes. I feel more clear-headed, way less emotional about everything (although still a bit teary now and again) and I actually feel ready to talk about the next steps.
I have been avoiding making an appointment with the FS because I was just not ready to discuss anything. I needed a bit of space and time to just grieve our last cycle. Every cycle is getting harder and harder on DH and I emotionally, so it is really important that we acknowledge our losses and grieve for them. We have to let out the pain and anger or else it will just follow us into our next cycle.
I have been emailing the nurse at the clinic and her words have been so encouraging. I tell her thank you all the time for her support, but I often wonder if she really knows how she has been such an angel to me during this crazy journey. So next steps, I will make the FS appointment and we will go there with open minds to all the possibilities. I don’t want to go with any set agenda…I just need to listen and take in all the information. Then DH and I can make an informed decision instead of an emotional one.
I just came back from my Day 10 scan and was happy to see that there were lots of good sized follies, but they are still quite small on Day 10. The FS tried to see my left ovary again, but I have long given up on that hidden ovary and have resigned myself to a ‘one-ovary’ gal. So I have about 5 leading follies and a few followers, so they may catch up and I might have a few more. We will see on the Day 12 scan to determine if retrieval will be on Monday or Tuesday. I will be so happy to have retrival done and hopefully I get at least three nice embies for transfer. I have rarely had more than three to transfer and always have done a Day 3 transfer, so I am assuming that my pattern will remain.
I didn’t sleep well last night at all, was awake since 2:30am and am now really wishing I could have a coffee. Not sure if it is the hormones causing the insomnia, or the anxiety. I gave up coffee a little over a year ago. I am a rooibos feen now. I still have the occaisional cappuchino now and again, but rarely. I am hoping that this one little sacrifice is helping my fertility a little extra….maybe my egg quality! That would be nice!
So on to Day 12!
I spoke too soon. The hormones have taken over my body and I no longer have control. Today I had a meeting with the Senior Management about our 2012 planning. It was like walking into the old boys club…someone made a sarcastic comment and I turned into the Terminator. I was taking no $%&# from them today. I walked out of that meeting and was so upset. Although they deserved the response I gave them, it was definitely more fueled than I normally am. I can feel myself about to snap at everyone and everything. It is probably a combination of both the hormones and my anxiety over this cycle. I think I need to lay low for a few days.
After 5 IVF cycles over the last couple of years, I am sure people are starting to think that this is who I really am….a crazy woman.