Christmas star

I so want to believe that there is a plan for me…a plan that leads to me being pregnant. No matter how many years (5) and no matter how many IVF’s (6) I have to believe that my happy ending is in my future. I am a lapsed catholic….but a highly spiritual being….and fundamentally christian but with huge appreciation for commonality with other religions as well. As Christmas is only a week away I so wish that I also have a Star of David guiding me to my happy ending.

No matter all that you have been through, you wish for a miracle. I still wish that I can fall pregnant without medical intervention. An unfortunate waning reality. However, I want to believe. Like nature intended….but medically not a realistic thought.

A girl can dream, can’t she?? Although I know the chances are slim. The thought of going through IVF again makes me SOOOOOO unhappy….unbelievably unhappy. I am trying to make peace with DE…..another surprising unhappiness as I thought I was ok with it.

Life sucks. It just does. I am trying to make peace with that. Star of David….find me….guide me….point me in the right direction….lead me to where I need to be.

I pray my direction is about me being pregnant. I am so tired of this path. Pretty please! Pray, meditate, deep thoughts, happy vibes, positive energy.

I need a miracle.

Screw Kate Middleton

Shame…..I feel bad already just because of my title. The poor woman. She has been in the spotlight -on bump watch- since the day she was married. If she was to struggle with infertility, the microscope she is already under would bring unbelievable pressure that I don’t wish on anyone. But…I still feel a massive pang of jealousy. Marry your Prince….fall pregnant a year and a half later. Lucky bitch. Infertility brings out the selfishness we didn’t realise we had.

If only my life could also be a fairytale. But it is not….I don’t see my fairytale coming anytime soon. The only train I see coming is 40……ugh.

Well, dear Kate. I am happy for you…truly. The last thing you need on your plate is infertility. So I am happy that you were able to dodge this bullet that so many women suffer from. And when I say suffer….I mean it. I try not to ‘suffer’, but regardless of what type of feminist or women’s liberation or rights-based approach you adhere to….

It is in our genetic coding to want, seek, value, prize, focus, embrace our ability to procreate. When we don’t have that, or struggle with it, we are challenged with our ultimate femininity. I try to focus on all the things I have and have accomplished. I think of strong, intelligent women who never had children of their own….most of them unknown to the public. My closest lady-friends who never had their own. I love them….but can I accept that path for myself? Not yet. But it is not a path you choose…one that unforgivingly chooses you. Deep, deep sigh.

My lot? I hope not. But how much do you give up for what you want…..? A fine balance my dear Rohinton. Hope can take you places, but reality is a bitter pill.

Bitch cow moment

Yesterday one of my staff told me she is 8 weeks pregnant. I tuned out after she told me she was pregnant, but came back long enough to do the professional thing and say congratulations. What I really wanted to tell her was that she was a bitch cow and who the hell tells people they are pregnant when they are only 8 weeks! I know….the anger surprised me too.

I drove home in tears, shocked that I could allow the bitch cow to have this effect on me. When I walked in the door I melted on the floor and poor DH didn’t know what hit him. It took me a few minutes between ridiculous sobbing to tell him that everything was fine, nothing was wrong…I was just having a moment.

I guess I have only just now grieved for the last failed cycle. I didn’t even bat an eye when we saw it was negative. Disappointed, yes…but sad….not really. Until yesterday, I completely unravelled. I have been in one hell of a bad mood and I should have known this was coming. Pissy, moody, angry = Extreme sadness welling up and impending implosion.

So it’s out now. Obviously my staff is not a bitch cow. I am just a depressed infertile. It is so hard, I have just accepted my dream job (which I start in November if I can grow the balls to tell my boss!) and I graduate from my Masters programme with distinction on Friday. I also have an amazing DH, the best relationship and so much love from him that I sometimes pinch myself that I am this lucky.

You try to rationalize that your life is so good in so many other ways…but all you really want is to be pregnant. Yo…I am tired. I want to believe it will happen, but some days I am not so sure.

Hugs to all my IF gals. This sucks the motherload.

Another year, another chance.

So a few days ago I officially turned 38. A weird day for me as all I thought about was my infertility and that my age is a definite factor. My DH has been fabulous and really acknowledged my sadness over another year and no babies….yet. It was so nice to be able to feel a little sad on my birthday and not to be told that I should be celebrating. I’m not really a big fan of birthdays anyways…but DH still made it special just for us. My DH is so amazing and sweet.

Today is Day 3, we are supposed to be starting our Lucrin shots on Day 21. I am assuming we are doing long protocol again as that is where we have had the most success. Need to call the FS…and so it begins….again.

Dipping your toe in the water

White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits everyone! (See my earlier post on white rabbits if you are confused)

So we had a lovely evening with friends last night, and they have recently decided to see a FS. Well it opened up a whole discussion about our journey and it was the first time we had actually shared that kind of detail with anyone….it was great! Although I still standby my decision not to share our journey openly with every Tom, Dick and Harry. They have a similar situation to us, in regards to age and sperm quality issues. I was very honest with them and encouraged them to go straight to IVF, given their age and the male factor. They felt they would start with IUI. In my opinion, a waste of time…but I started thinking about the beginning of our journey and the day our FS first told us our options. I always thought IVF was the last option, that you exhaust everything before moving to IVF, so I was shocked when our FS said we should go straight to IVF. We also tossed around the idea of IUI, it kind of felt more like a warm-up to IVF…a chance for us to dip our toe into fertility treatment without jumping all the way in. So I can appreciate their need to start with IUI, they are dipping their toe in to test the water. Fair. Very fair.

Speaking to our friends last night really reminded me how scary it all was in the beginning, how it all feels so overwhelming and how intimidating the process can be. I just hope their journey is shorter than ours, although it is going to be really hard for me if they fall pregnant before us. Hopefully it all works out and we can be pregnant at the same time….wouldn’t that be a wonderful, glorious miracle. I would love that! Universe…..are you listening?

Countdown to IVF#6 begins

I’ve found it difficult to blog since we have not been in a cycle since last September. I have really taken an infertility holiday in the last six months. For those of you who have followed my journey, last year was a bit of a disaster for DH and I with two miscarriages. I am in such a better place now, I am ready for IVF again.

We will be doing long protocol again, so that means a Day 21 start. We are anticipating a start around the second week of June. I am going to email the sister at the clinic shortly to let her know of our plans. We will then do all the prep blood work the month before to make sure we are on track. Hopefully my AMH is still ok -erp! I think it was around 1.3 – 1.6 last time, I will have to go back in my blog and take a look. As long as it is not under 1 then we are good to go.

So once June hits I will have lots more to blog about! We wanted to do a cycle earlier, but we had overseas visitors this month and we have more coming in May. My in-laws also wanted to visit, but we’ve been able to postpone their trip until August. I have always said that the hardest part of IVF for me has always been the planning. I am hoping this round will be relaxed…or as relaxed as it possibly can be.

Old – but only through the eyes of IF

I feel like June cannot come soon enough…I want to start IVF now and see what happens. I want to know my outcome! If only we had a crystal ball. Although these couple of months preparation are also important. I want my mind and body as prepared as they can be…..although I don’t believe you are ever ready.

I have been thinking a lot of getting older…it has never really bothered me before, but it is growing in the back of my mind. With my next IVF I will be in the 38+ group, a group that FS’s give an even lower success rate. I know lots of 38+ who have been successful, but they are not me…..yet. Hope….hope…..hope! I always want to be ‘young at heart’, but isn’t there a phrase like ‘young at ovary’? It just sucks because we have been at this for several years and each year I feel we have ‘age’ as another barrier to our infertility. I asked DH if he is ready to move to adoption….he’s not yet. I was hoping to do both. His desire to have a biological child is much stronger than mine. Although he is very open to DE, so there is still that option. I don’t know…I just want a family whatever way it comes. I also want the stress of IVF out of my life! But I will give IVF another chance in 2012, we will see what this year holds.

I am going to start my meditations visualizing me pregnant. It is actually not that difficult with my sweet purring cat laying on my tummy!