If you are reading this, you know what it is like to be infertile. If I can be selfish for a moment…..
If you have an extra prayer, an extra candle, an extra wish, an extra meditation. Can you think of my DH and me. We need all the help we can get. This long road is weary and we are running out of time and options. Sometimes hope runs thin and desperation is a dark place. We could use your positive energy and thoughts.
I haven’t had much to write about lately. We start our long protocol in exactly one week. I am anxious to start and get through all the little milestones. I have had a short-fuse lately and I think it has to do with the anxiety and expectation for this next cycle. I get angry, then I cry uncontrollably….this is how I know I am stressed to the max.
I had quite a big promotion at work about two months ago…and it is a lot of work. Too much. I am definitely feeling a lot of added pressure. The salary increase is amazing, especially with an IVF round coming up….but money isn’t everything. I am going to have to re-organize at work for the next couple of weeks, as I know I cannot handle work and IVF at the rate I am currently going.
During this upcoming cycle I have scheduled weekly massages, and I am meditating both morning and evening now. DH is really being amazing and helping me wind down and focus on the positive. I am not sleeping very well so need to get that under control. On the positive side I have lost 10kgs, so I have met my goal of losing some weight before IVF. That feels good….I still have another 10-15 to go, but I am on my way. Slow and steady wins the race!
I feel like June cannot come soon enough…I want to start IVF now and see what happens. I want to know my outcome! If only we had a crystal ball. Although these couple of months preparation are also important. I want my mind and body as prepared as they can be…..although I don’t believe you are ever ready.
I have been thinking a lot of getting older…it has never really bothered me before, but it is growing in the back of my mind. With my next IVF I will be in the 38+ group, a group that FS’s give an even lower success rate. I know lots of 38+ who have been successful, but they are not me…..yet. Hope….hope…..hope! I always want to be ‘young at heart’, but isn’t there a phrase like ‘young at ovary’? It just sucks because we have been at this for several years and each year I feel we have ‘age’ as another barrier to our infertility. I asked DH if he is ready to move to adoption….he’s not yet. I was hoping to do both. His desire to have a biological child is much stronger than mine. Although he is very open to DE, so there is still that option. I don’t know…I just want a family whatever way it comes. I also want the stress of IVF out of my life! But I will give IVF another chance in 2012, we will see what this year holds.
I am going to start my meditations visualizing me pregnant. It is actually not that difficult with my sweet purring cat laying on my tummy!
I am feeling really positive these days. I am actually looking forward to my next round of IVF. Really hoping it is my last. We can probably do two rounds this year, but hoping the second is not necessary.
We will be starting IVF#6 around June/July, so we have just over three months to prepare. I have done this so many times and have thrown a lot of the anxiety around what not to do prior and during IVF out the window. So here is my ‘to-do’ list this time around for preparation. I am throwing everything I have at IVF#6!
1) Eating healthy – I always try to make a real effort prior to and during.
2) Losing weight – DH and I have a few kgs to shed, so we are going to do this in our prep time. This is something we have not done before. I gained all of my extra weight since we started IVF.
3) Alcohol – cut back, but I don’t deny myself completely. A glass of wine now and again can do more good that harm in my opinion. ET is the day I completely stop.
4) Acupuncture – considering…..
5) Meditation – standard practice for me since around IVF#3, but gearing up to a more regular schedule and including more visualisation meditation. I have to say, meditation really has helped me sooooo much. I never would have believed that I would ever meditate, but it has done wonders for my anxiety, sleep, positivity, focus…I love it.
5) Vitamins – here is the new and old list:
a) multivitamin – standard practice
b) iron – been on these my whole life
c) magnesium – started this after IVF 3….and my next two IVF’s were BFPs. Not sure if the magnesium played a role but I won’t stop to find out.
d) evening primrose – for the first 14 days of my cycle – this is a new one for me
e) fish oil – for the last 14 days of my cycle – this is also a new one for me.
DH – has been on multivitamins, magnesium, fish oil and staminagrow forever.
I am considering Co-enzyme and Royal Jelly….but I am not sure about either yet. For those of you who are/were pregnant, what was your diet/supplement regimen? Anything you think made a difference?
The last couple of weeks has been a bit of a downer. Mostly because I have been overwhelmed as I have way too much on my plate at the moment. The feeling of being overwhelmed really plays a number on your outlook on life. This last week I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage in May. I have been so sad thinking that I would be around 34 weeks now and preparing for my Christmas baby. I just can’t help thinking about what could have been and feeling it is so unfair. I have tried to work on accepting the fact that life is not always fair. That is the reality. I have tried to focus on all the amazing wonderful things in my life. I have decided that these last few cycles have really done a number on my headspace….more than I care to admit. So what now? Well, I have a POA for the new year. We will do another cycle around Jan/Feb. So I need to prepare. I need to do all I can to give this cycle the best chance. That means mind and body must get ready. We will most likely do long protocol again as that is where we have had the most success.
As you know I believe in the power of meditation, it has really helped me through dark times. So my new word I will focus on will be ‘hope’. Hope is all I have really….and it can be very powerful. I need hope. I will find hope. I find hope in all of you. Hope will lead me to my happy ending.
Every morning I have a bit of a ritual. I am a real early bird, so I when I wake up I do my morning meditation. I am still doing guided meditations because I am still new to it, about six months now but not always consistent. I have been making a real effort over the last month and I have to say it is really working for me.
I am just finding that quiet space to just clear my thoughts really helps me to start the day with an open attitude. Now those of you who follow my blog know that I am not someone who believes in absolute positivity…I believe it is about balance. Feeling sad, feeling happy, just feeling while ensuring you are emotionally balanced. It has not been easy, but I am finding that balance. It is constant work though.
So my DH just brought me my morning cup of rooibos. This is my favourite part of the day. Now I wait for my cat to come join me and then it is perfection.