I’ve found it difficult to blog since we have not been in a cycle since last September. I have really taken an infertility holiday in the last six months. For those of you who have followed my journey, last year was a bit of a disaster for DH and I with two miscarriages. I am in such a better place now, I am ready for IVF again.
We will be doing long protocol again, so that means a Day 21 start. We are anticipating a start around the second week of June. I am going to email the sister at the clinic shortly to let her know of our plans. We will then do all the prep blood work the month before to make sure we are on track. Hopefully my AMH is still ok -erp! I think it was around 1.3 – 1.6 last time, I will have to go back in my blog and take a look. As long as it is not under 1 then we are good to go.
So once June hits I will have lots more to blog about! We wanted to do a cycle earlier, but we had overseas visitors this month and we have more coming in May. My in-laws also wanted to visit, but we’ve been able to postpone their trip until August. I have always said that the hardest part of IVF for me has always been the planning. I am hoping this round will be relaxed…or as relaxed as it possibly can be.
Another year is coming to an end. I am happy to say goodbye to 2011, as it has been a very difficult year for DH and I. I have lots of hope for 2012, but this year has changed us. The first miscarriage was early in the pregnancy, and I am so grateful for that…but it still hurts. Even nine months later, I still have sad moments thinking about what could have been. The second miscarriage was even earlier, so I didn’t need a D&C…thank goodness. I never want to have to go through a D&C again.
My hope is that 2012 will bring us our miracle. We have suffered enough…I could not bear another miscarriage. I am so scared I would completely crack if I had another one. For the first time I am genuinely scared for the next IVF. Number 6….please go easy on me. I may be a little too fragile for a January start.
Infertility sucks the big one! I am caught in this horrible trap of counting. Counting cycle days, counting possible Day 1’s, counting how much money I need for the next IVF. Counting the pregnancy week I would have been in had I not miscarried in May. Damn numbers….
My due date would have been 27 Dec. I kept telling myself to not focus on something that will not be, but that date has always stuck in my head! It is so hard not to think about it. I can’t believe how much time I take staring at my calendar counting out 28 days. It is bordering on neurotic. Numbers…..go away. This Christmas is going to be a tough one….but only if I allow it. Therefore, I refuse. I will not let the pain of yesterday haunt my today. I will have a great Christmas holiday and I will focus on the future. Add a giant glass of wine and I will cope.
One glass of wine….mwah ah ah. Two glasses of wine….mwah ah ah….
The last couple of weeks has been a bit of a downer. Mostly because I have been overwhelmed as I have way too much on my plate at the moment. The feeling of being overwhelmed really plays a number on your outlook on life. This last week I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage in May. I have been so sad thinking that I would be around 34 weeks now and preparing for my Christmas baby. I just can’t help thinking about what could have been and feeling it is so unfair. I have tried to work on accepting the fact that life is not always fair. That is the reality. I have tried to focus on all the amazing wonderful things in my life. I have decided that these last few cycles have really done a number on my headspace….more than I care to admit. So what now? Well, I have a POA for the new year. We will do another cycle around Jan/Feb. So I need to prepare. I need to do all I can to give this cycle the best chance. That means mind and body must get ready. We will most likely do long protocol again as that is where we have had the most success.
As you know I believe in the power of meditation, it has really helped me through dark times. So my new word I will focus on will be ‘hope’. Hope is all I have really….and it can be very powerful. I need hope. I will find hope. I find hope in all of you. Hope will lead me to my happy ending.
A few months back I wrote a post about our niece who wanted to ‘dump’ her sweet little (almost) 2 year old on us. It was just after our first miscarriage this year and we were in no state (nor now) to deal with the mess she has created. We have just been with DH’s family for the last two days and see that our niece has ‘dumped’ her child on DH’s 70 year old parents (the great grandparents!). Well, it is too much for them, they cannot keep up with him. We have offered DH’s sister (the grandmother) to assist, but only if she takes legal custody of him. We are hoping that this will push her to secure the poor little boy from a very difficult situation with our niece. We are not willing to take him ourselves, but can assist financially to ensure he is cared for.
He is the sweetest, most energetic little boy and it has been hard spending two days with him. DH and I just wanted to scoop him up, take him home and call him ours. There is a lot of pressure from the family to do this, but with the family dynamic, he would never be ours, we would always be Auntie and Uncle. DH and I had a loooooong chat about it and we need to be very careful about how we make decisions around this issue. We want children so bad, but we need to be parents, not minders. DH’s sister is the maternal grandmother and is fully capable of looking after the little boy.
Although I know he is loved and cared for by DH’s family, it hurts my heart that our niece could abandon him when it suits her and waltz back in when she likes. It just goes to prove that pregnancy does not make a mother…it is how you love, care and provide for that child.
So I have a secret. I didn’t want to post about it, because I thought I was being a bit crazy. My period was late and I was feeling….pregnant. Having been pregnant twice this year, I recognised that early feeling. For me, it is like you have a bubble, or space in your uterus (which is what it is!). My abdomen always goes rock hard pretty quick and I was having crazy dreams again. I told myself that I would carry on as normal and would only do a test once my period was at least two weeks late. I had some brown spotting that subsided…so was hopeful. However, the day before I told myself I would test my period came in full force and has been extremely heavy and has not stopped. Another confirmation to me that something happend with the heavier than normal period. So I cannot confirm it…but feel pretty confident that something happend.
How do I feel about it? I was convinced I was pregnant, so the thought of actually being able to conceive without IVF was for the first time ever…..an amazing feeling that miracles can happen. I have been at this so long now that whenever I see those ‘spontaneous natural’ conceptions from other IVF’ers I was always a little pessimistic about the possiblities. Now, I believe it and that is something I never ever imagined could be a possibility. A small window of hope has opened…although it closed when my period arrived. I told my DH when I was about 7 days late (I have a clockwork cycle by the way) because I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I shouldn’t have told him because he was so devastated when my period came, but I needed to share it. We were both pretty sad with the outcome, but a little excited about the possibility that we could actually fall pregnant without injections and scans and our FS seeing my hoo-hoo more than DH. Although we were disappointed when my period came…it turned on a little ray of light that we didn’t have before. We felt normal, for the first time.
If we were pregnant, the fact that it ended early does not bode well for my eggs. Since it would have been natural selection, the chances are that my eggs are just not good enough quality anymore. It just reinforces for me that DE may be our next step. On a positive note. For the first time in many years…I am actually counting days and thinking about ovulation and timed BD’ing. We haven’t done that since 2008! So we’ll give it a whirl and see what happens…..of course with absolutely no expectations given our history. But we will have fun with it!
I did it. I finally worked up the courage to book a follow-up appointment with our FS. October 10th. I think it is actually better to have some space between the last failed attempt and our follow-up. Normally we do the follow-up within 2 weeks, but after so much heartache and emotion, I want to be able to talk to FS in a better headspace. It is just getting harder to bounce back. So October 10th is good. We also go on leave the end of that week, so we can go on leave knowing what our plan of action (POA) is. Much better.
DH and I are prepared for a discussion on donor eggs (DE). I am more nervous that our FS will feel strongly we need to try another cycle before we move to DE. I would love for that to be an option, but in my heart I know that if we fail one more cycle I will be so upset about the money we will have then lost and could have put towards a DE cycle.
How did I get here? I am struggling a lot with how I am even in this situation. When we first started IVF discussions back in 2008, with our first cycle in 2009….it just seemed like a matter of time. After five cycles…it just all seems that much farther away. The first three cycles I could see the end like a little stone on the road in the distance, but after the first miscarriage it was like someone picked that stone up and threw it as far as they could so I couldn’t see it anymore. I hate the anxiety. For those of you who are now preggers….you now see that the journey does not end once you get that BFP. For fertiles they just bounce along, for us we are anxious at every turn. Every appointment, every cramp, every day…..anxiety. So unfair.
There is a great book by Rohinton Mistry called ‘A Fine Balance’. It is a story of an uncle and his nephew in India finding their way through the caste system and trying to build a life. It is one of my favourite reads….front to back kind of a read and it is long so you really get to live with the characters for a while….my kind of book. The story is tragic in some parts, but has great insight about the reality of life’s challenge. The whole idea of how bad things happen to good people…the up and the down, the challenge and the survival. A great, great book. If you haven’t read it….you must.
I’m not sure what to do about our IF. It is just the situation I am in. I refuse to be full of hope and light….that is just not reality. People who are overly positive and happy make me nervous….it is just not normal. You need to be sad, you need to grieve…..but you also need to live. It is about finding a balance, or trying to rebalance after a difficult time. I am out of that deep dark hole, I am now in the rebalancing phase….trying to find that fine balance. I need some time to find my center and focus on the things that bring me joy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how I got here. It matters how I move forward.