Thinking of new life

I have been at my Mom’s for almost a week now. Having a very nice visit and spending lots of time with my Aunt, who is in palliative care at home. Will see her for the last time today, but after spending so much time this week it is feeling much easier to say good-bye. Still hard though…I am more sad for my Mom who is losing her best friend.

Of course in these kinds of situations it really forces you to evaluate your own life and identify what is truly important. I think I am ready to start looking for something new….new job, new location, new country? I will need to talk to DH and see what he thinks. We’ll see, I am open to everything. I am really unhappy where we live now and life is too short to be unhappy with things you can do something about. We didn’t really want to consider moving the last couple of years because we have such a great fertility team. I really don’t want to let that go until we have our baby….but who knows how long that could be? We can’t hang around waiting for something that may never come. Life moves on.

So I am left thinking of new life, new lives, new living. A big change is coming. “I can feel it, coming in the air tonight….hold on.”

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Fresh air = Fresh perspective

Take your mind out of the old grind….

Waking up in the vineyards, one of my most favourite places in the world. The fresh air, the smell of the earth, the awareness of new growth on the vines. I am feeling so happy, DH and I are having a much needed break after a very hectic year. Looking forward now…not backward.

Life is good.

Waking up with my babies

This morning I woke up with three little babies inside me.  Good morning sweet little babies that I dream about!   I am still so over the moon at how great this cycle has gone.  However, I am still very aware of the possibilities of it all going terribly wrong…but I am forcing myself to stay very positive and believe that it will happen.  I went to bed before DH last night, to spend some time doing a little meditation about my embryos and visualising them growing.  I am so proud of my little embryos already, they are like little people already in my mind.  I am so proud of their growth, I feel so confident that they are going to keep growing…for the first time I am really seeing my babies.

Ok…maybe I am hallucinating or having some kind of progesterone melt-down.  I am still the hardened VET who knows that anything and everything can go horribly wrong at any point in time.  I just feel like it is my time.  I must believe it.  It can happen, I have seen it with so many others who have tried and failed so many times.  I know that all the negative energy will start seeping in a few days before I test.  I am going to try really hard to keep all those negative feelings at bay and focus on the miracle that we have three amazing embryos back on board.

Today I have three babies.  Today they are all here with me.  Today I am happy and excited for the future.  Today is a good day.  Today I do not have to take a Gestone shot…..pure evil 😉

Three little embies!!!

I cannot believe that we have three glorious embies from only five that were retrieved!  I have never had more than a 30-40% fertilisation rate….I am totally in shock!  Soooooooo happy……soooooo unbelievably happy.  I am so emotional and it is so crazy because I usually don’t take this step so seriously.  I think because I am getting older and we have been talking about other options I was not expecting this result.  I still can’t believe it.  Three.  Three beautiful, wonderful embies.  I am hoping that odd numbers are in my favour.  Three embies, this is our fifth IVF and we are transferring on the fifth day of August.  Wait a minute…..we also had five eggs retrieved…..there is a string of fives.

Well I don’t care what numbers mean to anyone else, these are my lucky numbers and these little embies are going to come back on board tomorrow and settle in for the long haul.  So transfer tomorrow with Intralipids….so excited and hope it goes well.  I am going to have a hard time focusing today after this great news.  The Appletisers are on me!  Cheers!

My IVF Anthem

DH and I have been very lucky, our lives have been full of opportunity and adventure.  The challenge is recognising the opportunity when it presents itself, as it does not always appear so clearly.  Late last year we were offered the opportunity to move to another country. DH and I have lived in several countries over the years and we were quite excited about the opportunity.  However, I was prepared to stay behind as I was concerned about moving to a new FS, a new system and all of the challenges that come with IVF.  I am so comfortable with my FS and his team….the anxiety of a new FS and the unknown made me prepared to stay behind for up to a year to do IVF.  It was then that I finally realised that IVF is my priority overall.  I have never described myself as the motherly type, or dreaming of a family, it just always seemed like the next step.  It was then, when I was ready to sacrifice all that I realised just how badly I wanted to be pregnant.  Well, the move fell through which was actually a blessing in disguise because there is no way I would have survived through a miscarriage without my DH to hold me up every day.  So the opportunity of a move, was not the opportunity we thought it would be.  The opportunity starts tomorrow.  I start my Lucrin tomorrow morning and that opens the window to the opportunity of becoming pregnant.  The added bonus is Intralipids!  I usually poo poo all these additional therapies, but I have read the research and am quite impressed.  If my FS is impressed, then it is a very good sign as he is rather conservative.  I am really hoping that this is the opportunity that all of the heartache and missed opportunities has led us to.

I have an IVF anthem I want to share with you.  I play this song everytime I am going through IVF.  It is a song by Rascal Flatts and please google it and play it.  For me, it is talking about my child that I am going to meet one day and that the challenges I go through is unfortunately the road I must travel to find my child.  I hope it is as meaningful to you as it is for me.  Try hard not to burst into tears as you listen to it….it is impossible!

Bless The Broken Road
Songwriters: Boyd, Bobby C; Hannah, Jeff; Hummon, Marcus;

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there, you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I’m just rolling home into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you