Journey’s End

Beta hcg has dropped again, so officially over.  DH and I are going to take a break, a vacation and are considering another run in November.   We are obviously gutted…once again.  However, we are grateful that it ended earlier rather than later.  It feels different this time, because I am so early and am not bleeding yet.  For those of you who have never had a miscarriage, I always thought it just passed and then you moved on.  It is more physically traumatic the further along you are in the pregnancy, but regardless….a miscarriage goes on and on and on.  I wish it was something that was over quickly.

So now I wait for my three beautiful little embies to exit my body.  I’m so sorry my beautiful embies…I really thought I would be able to keep you this time.  So sad.

Journey’s End

In western lands beneath the Sun
The flowers may rise in Spring,
The trees may bud, the waters run,
The merry finches sing.
Or there maybe ’tis cloudless night,
And swaying branches bear
The Elven-stars as jewels white
Amid their branching hair.

Though here at journey’s end I lie
In darkness buried deep,
Beyond all towers strong and high,
Beyond all mountains steep,
Above all shadows rides the Sun
And Stars for ever dwell:
I will not say the Day is done,
Nor bid the Stars farewell.

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien


10dp3dt – It’s official…for now

Just got the call, it is official, I am pregnant. My beta is 28…a little low, but still a positive result. I test again on Wed and hope that beta doubles spectacularly.

I pray that this continues to be an amazing experience. I pray that my body is able to support this pregnancy. I pray that my little embie(s) will settle comfortably and grow.

Having been on this journey for a very long time, I am doing a tiny little happy dance for having made it to this moment. But I take it all with a grain of salt…so for now a tiny little happy dance.

9dp3dt – Drum roll please

I did my standard HPT’s yesterday, which are the Dis-Chem brand, that is my HPT of choice. I’ve used all the brands over the years, but the Dis-Chem brand have always been the most sensitive and the ones with the clearest feint lines. So after peeing on way too many sticks yesterday I got a lot of feint lines. Yeah! But I didn’t want to post because I always do the ‘holy grail’ of all HPT’s the day before I do my blood test. The Clearblue Digital…so worth the investment. So I just did the Clearblue and it very clearly says ‘Pregnant’.

Yipeeeee! It is a start, we still need to see what our beta is to make sure it is viable. If the beta is good than I will start Intralipids weekly until my 6 week scan. I have never heard of anyone taking Intralipid weekly, but if it is going to keep this baby-babies in, then I am all for it. No more run-aways for me….pretty please.

To those who follow my blog and have been on the long road of multiple IVF’s and many disappointments, and are testing this week as well…a feint line is a good sign. Now go and get a Clearblue digital! Wishing you an amazing beta!

5dp3dt – Hang in there little babies

So I am half way through my 2ww, although it is not really 2 weeks….so happy it is only 10 days. Feeling some light cramping and heaviness in my uterus which is giving me false hope because it could just be AF. I am staying positive though, thinking of my three little babies settling in for the long haul.

I know there are a few others testing on the same day, or close to the same day as me. It is so hard to be the BFN in a group of BFP’s. I know I have always found it hard and although I am genuinely happy for the BFP’s it is still a hard place to be. If you are the BFP, you are happy but feel so guilty because of the BFN’s. So I have decided I will only post my result on my blog. I just hate the mix of seeing congrats and sympathies, it is way too familiar and so difficult for me as I can imagine others as well. My blog is such a nicer place for me to truly express myself and I feel it is much more appropriate for me. I just want to be able to express myself and here is the only place I feel I can without that little voice in the back of my head editing my words and the way I phrase everything because I am more concerned about others than myself.

That being said I am holding thumbs that there are no BFN’s next week for anyone. Wouldn’t that be amazing if there was a magical week throughout the world that had no BFN’s! I am going to hope for that.