When I was a teenager, around 15, my Dad was diagnosed with a neurological disease. I didn’t really tell anyone…not because it was a secret, more because it just wasn’t relevent. Whenever people would find out, they would say to me, “how come you never told me?”. This has always been a challenge for me because I don’t believe that these challenges are relevant to my relationship with the majority of people I interact with. If you were close to me in my life, you would know. I never waste my information and emotion on people who I feel are not invested in my happiness. I’ll never forget when my guidance counsellor at high school told me about another student whose mother had the same disease. I was so angry, because first I thought, “but I didn’t invite you into that part of my life” and second because I thought how dare she out another student, that was not her information to tell.
Some people call it private or guarded, I call it respectful. I would never assume anything about anyone, nor divulge information that is theirs to tell. My story is mine and it is in my hands to decide who has that information. There is nothing worse in my mind than giving out information that is not yours to tell. I find people like that untrustworthy and not people I want to be around.
So I had dinner with someone DH and I are friendly with tonight. He told me about his struggles, which I didn’t appreciate as it came across as whining. As soon as he was done sharing some very personal information, he dove into asking why DH and I don’t have children. Almost as if, “well I’ve told you my struggles, now you tell me yours”. Sorry, doesn’t work that way with me.
If I wanted people to know about my struggles, I would tell them. I hate being backed into a corner and I hate the assumption that my life is an open book. It isn’t! Nothing worse than someone who uses their own drama to set the scene and then looks to you to share as a form of reciprocation but is really prying into your life.
I strongly believe that not everyone needs your whole story. You need to ensure that your story is your to tell and that means telling those you trust, those who respect your story as yours. My infertility is not the latest piece of juicy gossip.
So I have a secret. I didn’t want to post about it, because I thought I was being a bit crazy. My period was late and I was feeling….pregnant. Having been pregnant twice this year, I recognised that early feeling. For me, it is like you have a bubble, or space in your uterus (which is what it is!). My abdomen always goes rock hard pretty quick and I was having crazy dreams again. I told myself that I would carry on as normal and would only do a test once my period was at least two weeks late. I had some brown spotting that subsided…so was hopeful. However, the day before I told myself I would test my period came in full force and has been extremely heavy and has not stopped. Another confirmation to me that something happend with the heavier than normal period. So I cannot confirm it…but feel pretty confident that something happend.
How do I feel about it? I was convinced I was pregnant, so the thought of actually being able to conceive without IVF was for the first time ever…..an amazing feeling that miracles can happen. I have been at this so long now that whenever I see those ‘spontaneous natural’ conceptions from other IVF’ers I was always a little pessimistic about the possiblities. Now, I believe it and that is something I never ever imagined could be a possibility. A small window of hope has opened…although it closed when my period arrived. I told my DH when I was about 7 days late (I have a clockwork cycle by the way) because I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I shouldn’t have told him because he was so devastated when my period came, but I needed to share it. We were both pretty sad with the outcome, but a little excited about the possibility that we could actually fall pregnant without injections and scans and our FS seeing my hoo-hoo more than DH. Although we were disappointed when my period came…it turned on a little ray of light that we didn’t have before. We felt normal, for the first time.
If we were pregnant, the fact that it ended early does not bode well for my eggs. Since it would have been natural selection, the chances are that my eggs are just not good enough quality anymore. It just reinforces for me that DE may be our next step. On a positive note. For the first time in many years…I am actually counting days and thinking about ovulation and timed BD’ing. We haven’t done that since 2008! So we’ll give it a whirl and see what happens…..of course with absolutely no expectations given our history. But we will have fun with it!
So yesterday I had what my husband would call….a moment. After four rounds of IVF ICSI over the last three years we finally fell pregnant. Only to lose the pregnancy at 7 weeks. I had a D&C three weeks ago and I was doing well until yesterday. I crashed hard and was a complete and utter pile of sobbing hormones. Not a pretty sight and not something you would want to bump into in a dark alley…..or a sunny sidewalk for that matter. So this morning I figured I have to do something to get my emotions out and made the decision to start a blog.
You see…..we are in the closet. No one knows about our IVF, not my family or his family or our friends…..no one. We decided to keep it to ourselves because it was way easier. However, we never imagined we would now be in year three and still nothing to show for it but a lot of lumps and bumps, hence the name of the blog. So now what to do. I thought I would give this a whirl and hoping that it will help me vent and share. I know…..it does not replace family and friends who are supposed to hold you up in times like these, but in our situation it just wouldn’t work and would cause us more stress.
So into the world wide web I journey…..and hope that I am not here long.