Well the saga continues, my boss has decided to make the next two weeks very difficult. I am getting a lot of support from my colleagues and friends who are just as dumbfounded about this whole situation….although those who know my boss are actually not that surprised.
So I am trying to stay focused on the high road and not letting him drag me down to his level. I have a scan on Friday and can’t wait as I am so nervous all this stress is not good for baba. Once I see everything is fine…I think I will breathe easier.
In your quiet, calm, relaxed, happy for life moments….send me a bit of that beautiful energy. I need a strong barrier against the negativity that is being hurled at me at the moment. I keep picturing bubble boy! Ha ha!
I haven’t had much to write about lately. We start our long protocol in exactly one week. I am anxious to start and get through all the little milestones. I have had a short-fuse lately and I think it has to do with the anxiety and expectation for this next cycle. I get angry, then I cry uncontrollably….this is how I know I am stressed to the max.
I had quite a big promotion at work about two months ago…and it is a lot of work. Too much. I am definitely feeling a lot of added pressure. The salary increase is amazing, especially with an IVF round coming up….but money isn’t everything. I am going to have to re-organize at work for the next couple of weeks, as I know I cannot handle work and IVF at the rate I am currently going.
During this upcoming cycle I have scheduled weekly massages, and I am meditating both morning and evening now. DH is really being amazing and helping me wind down and focus on the positive. I am not sleeping very well so need to get that under control. On the positive side I have lost 10kgs, so I have met my goal of losing some weight before IVF. That feels good….I still have another 10-15 to go, but I am on my way. Slow and steady wins the race!
When I was a teenager, around 15, my Dad was diagnosed with a neurological disease. I didn’t really tell anyone…not because it was a secret, more because it just wasn’t relevent. Whenever people would find out, they would say to me, “how come you never told me?”. This has always been a challenge for me because I don’t believe that these challenges are relevant to my relationship with the majority of people I interact with. If you were close to me in my life, you would know. I never waste my information and emotion on people who I feel are not invested in my happiness. I’ll never forget when my guidance counsellor at high school told me about another student whose mother had the same disease. I was so angry, because first I thought, “but I didn’t invite you into that part of my life” and second because I thought how dare she out another student, that was not her information to tell.
Some people call it private or guarded, I call it respectful. I would never assume anything about anyone, nor divulge information that is theirs to tell. My story is mine and it is in my hands to decide who has that information. There is nothing worse in my mind than giving out information that is not yours to tell. I find people like that untrustworthy and not people I want to be around.
So I had dinner with someone DH and I are friendly with tonight. He told me about his struggles, which I didn’t appreciate as it came across as whining. As soon as he was done sharing some very personal information, he dove into asking why DH and I don’t have children. Almost as if, “well I’ve told you my struggles, now you tell me yours”. Sorry, doesn’t work that way with me.
If I wanted people to know about my struggles, I would tell them. I hate being backed into a corner and I hate the assumption that my life is an open book. It isn’t! Nothing worse than someone who uses their own drama to set the scene and then looks to you to share as a form of reciprocation but is really prying into your life.
I strongly believe that not everyone needs your whole story. You need to ensure that your story is your to tell and that means telling those you trust, those who respect your story as yours. My infertility is not the latest piece of juicy gossip.
I have been thinking a lot lately about whether IVF is ever going to work for us. Will I ever be pregnant? I look at all the amazing ladies whom I have followed for the last several years and their journey’s have been ‘treacherous’ at times and now they are sitting with pregnancies, awaiting the arrival of their adopted babies, just had their babies and even twins! I used to find so much strength in their stories, but I have to admit I am finding it hard to read their posts and enjoy all their happiness. Infertility is so so so hard. It is made even more difficult when you finally find the support from ladies you have something in common with….and then you lose that when they become pregnant. I know…these ladies can say, “but I still remember the challenges and depression I went through while we were busy with IVF.” It is just different. I am really feeling left behind. I want to be tired, up all night, feeding, changing, holding…..loving. I am so tired of being the one always wondering, hoping, waiting.
I have been thinking more and more of adoption. Maybe my children are not biologically mine….maybe that is how this story ends. I am just tired of waiting, tired of not having control, tired of the disappointment….tired of not knowing when this misery will end. Just plain tired.
I am so glad we didn’t schedule another IVF round before the end of the year. The scheduling of these things always stresses me out more than anything else. DH is away on business overseas for the next four weeks. I am out of town at least once for each of those weeks. DH comes back for three days, then I am away on business overseas for two weeks. Our schedules are beginning to get incredibly insane. I keep thinking it will slow down, but it doesn’t.
My new business is up and running, but it will still be a few months before I can leave my current job to work for myself full time. The plan is to do our sixth round in the new year. Jan or Feb is what I would prefer…so we shall see what happens. I have the flu so bad and I just want to crawl into my bed, but of course I am at the airport waiting for a flight. What else is new! Ugh…I hate flying when you feel like %$&#! At least it is only a 2 hour flight.
As for the family drama….waiting on the Social Worker to finish some interviews. No decisions yet.
I always knew this road would be tough, but it has felt like the unending road for way too long. I am hopeful that my happy ending will come soon…always hopeful. Poor DH has been putting up with my short fuse for the last couple of weeks. The hormones, especially the progesterone really makes me pointy. At least he is used to it and doesn’t take it too personally most of the time, depending on how pointy I am. It is really hard for DH too, because we have male infertility issues on top of mine. I was so happy we had three amazing embies this time (a first) and chalked it up to my DH and his three super sperms that made the cut for ICSI. We have to make our DH’s feel proud and support them, male infertility is such a blow to the ego. My DH has handled it so well…I really shouldn’t be so pointy with him, but we always take it out on those we love and trust the most. Some of the pointy-ness comes from the hormones, but most I just chalk up to the extreme stress of so many years of trying, so many rounds of IVF and so much disappointment and heartache. It really changes who you are. I think if I had a baby with my first IVF I would have been left less emotionally bruised and battered. After this long road I find I am hopeful, but my expectation is lower…I am pleased with 2-3 embies as opposed to 14. I no longer believe sarcasm is a form of humour, it is the lowest form in my books and I believe there is often an air of truth from the person. I celebrate the joys and successes of others, but it feels more dull than it used to and I am less interested as I am so focused on myself…which is perceived as uncaring when I don’t jump out of my skin with joy for them. I have always said that IF is a selfish journey and I make no apologies for that. I have had to focus on what DH and I need and what is best for us. It had been a positive road in some ways as it has made us stronger, made our love deeper and forced us to be mentally and emotionally well…keeping our eye always on our goal. Yes it has come with great sacrifice and grief…but the one thing I know for sure is that it will all be worth it in the end.