Hospital Puddle

So I have been very quiet. I just really didn’t have anything to say about infertility….until today. I took a break, I ‘tried’ not to think about it or stress or put any pressure on myself. I started a new job this year and it has been amazing, but has not been an easy transition.

I went to the hospital today to pick up my new bite plate (for my TMJ). The OMF surgeons office happens to be a floor down from my FS. On the way out I thought about popping by my FS office to book an appointment to get the ball rolling again. Then I decided not to because I was on my way to another meeting. Just as I turned into the parking, I bumped into a woman I used to work with now and again. She was obviously very pregnant. This is her first child. I knew she was older and that she had been married for a while….I alway suspected she was ‘one of us’, but I would never ever ask anyone. She started to tell me her story and about her now miracle baby only 5 weeks away from arriving. I shared with her that I was also part of the Vet IF club. I never share….so this was big for me. I asked her how old she was and she told me 41 this year. I told her that I am 40 next year and figured I was pretty much done after this year. Then….unexpectedly….out of nowhere…..I burst into tears in the hospital parking lot. I was so surprised by my emotion. I have become so detached from this whole process, more as a coping mechanism then anything else. You have to harden yourself if you are going to survive long term IF. She was awesome, really great even though I was a puddle. Now just as I was trying to gain my composure……my FS walked past! I wasn’t looking directly at him, so we didn’t greet but he saw me. A sign! I am convinced! I must get back on this horse.

Anyways, I am convinced that my emotion was more about hope than despair. To see a 41 year old pregnant with her first…it is still possible….I can’t give up. I am still a puddle of tears, today has obviously opened something I have been pushing down for the last couple of months. So I will call to book an appointment tomorrow. Break is over.

Sorry I’ve been quiet….but I know all of you understand the need to take a break.

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Screw Kate Middleton

Shame…..I feel bad already just because of my title. The poor woman. She has been in the spotlight -on bump watch- since the day she was married. If she was to struggle with infertility, the microscope she is already under would bring unbelievable pressure that I don’t wish on anyone. But…I still feel a massive pang of jealousy. Marry your Prince….fall pregnant a year and a half later. Lucky bitch. Infertility brings out the selfishness we didn’t realise we had.

If only my life could also be a fairytale. But it is not….I don’t see my fairytale coming anytime soon. The only train I see coming is 40……ugh.

Well, dear Kate. I am happy for you…truly. The last thing you need on your plate is infertility. So I am happy that you were able to dodge this bullet that so many women suffer from. And when I say suffer….I mean it. I try not to ‘suffer’, but regardless of what type of feminist or women’s liberation or rights-based approach you adhere to….

It is in our genetic coding to want, seek, value, prize, focus, embrace our ability to procreate. When we don’t have that, or struggle with it, we are challenged with our ultimate femininity. I try to focus on all the things I have and have accomplished. I think of strong, intelligent women who never had children of their own….most of them unknown to the public. My closest lady-friends who never had their own. I love them….but can I accept that path for myself? Not yet. But it is not a path you choose…one that unforgivingly chooses you. Deep, deep sigh.

My lot? I hope not. But how much do you give up for what you want…..? A fine balance my dear Rohinton. Hope can take you places, but reality is a bitter pill.