The Unknown….the hardest part

I resigned from my job this week. I was able to negotiate a January start with my new employer, so I will finish out the year with my current employer. It was tough. I have been with this company for a long time and have such a great team…it was difficult. Although I am super excited about my new job, change is always difficult.

I have been thinking a lot about change this week. The other morning I asked DH to really start thinking about adoption. I need to book my follow-up with our FS. We will push to try DE, but not sure what our timeline will be as we will need to identify a donor. I started to panic about the timing and starting my new job; where there is travel involved. But I have stopped my brain from planning too much and worrying. It will work out however it needs to be.

I have been thinking more and more about being a childless couple….wondering if that is what my life is going to be. I have been trying to get DH to think about adoption, but I can tell it is still not an option for him. I want a family….but at what cost?…and on who’s terms? Man…..I never thought my life would be like this.

Life really is unpredictable. You need to embrace all of the good….or else you spend all of your time focusing on what you don’t have. I really hope we have a family, but if we don’t can I accept that? The honest truth is I don’t know. I really don’t know.


Ready for Monday

It is Saturday morning and I am doing my most favourite thing. Sitting in bed with my rooibos and my cat. I am wondering about our FS appointment on Monday. Not sure what to expect anymore as the cards on the table have changed significantly.

We have been doing IVF since 2009, five cycles total….and nothing. Nothing but heartache. We know I can get pregnant, but not sure I can carry to term….although we don’t know for sure if it is me or the eggs….I am really hoping its the eggs. I am ready to discuss the option of donor eggs. Although it is all still kind of strange to me, I am actually hoping DE will be his suggestion. I am tired of round after round. I am ready for baby now….where ever my baby comes from. I would love to experience pregnancy, but it is still an unknown if I will. Do you hear me universe! I am ready for baby….anytime now!

I have never bought any baby things….it always felt like a jinx. I think it is time to start collecting a little box. Wow! That is a huge step for me. For the first-time I think I am actually starting to believe that baby will come….I don’t know when or how….but he/she will come. I believe.