Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me in one way or another.  Whenever I have experienced these totally devastating moments, it is not the passing ‘sorry’ or ‘thinking of you’ coming from well-intentioned people that carries much meaning to me.  It is the ones from women who truly understand the burden of multiple IVFs, multiple loss and miscarriage.

To those ladies who have done cycle after cycle and had so many disappointments.  To those who keep getting up after being knocked down so many times.  Those who understand the neverending anxiety about all the things that can go wrong…and are proof that things go wrong.  Those who find it hard to celebrate any success as devastation is most likely lurking around the corner.  Those who have sacrificed vacations, new cars, paying off debt…all the things we work so hard for…to save for one more IVF cycle, always trying to find that next R25,000-R30,000.  Those whose DH cries along with them now…as there are no words left, they have all been said.  After many, many years, to still keep determined and hopeful of what your end goal is… is you who give me hope.  I think of you when I don’t want to get out of bed.  I think of you when the thought of having another cycle makes me despondent.  I think of you when I feel like a failure once more.

We are a very special group.  I wish we didn’t have to have a special group, I wish the term ‘IVF Veteran’ had no need, but I am so happy to know that I am not alone in my (what feels like at the moment) endless suffering. That there are others who understand my journey and can relate to everything I mentioned above.  It is you that keeps me going, makes me see that there are so many ways to have a family.  My time will come, my babies will find me, whatever way they were meant to.

Thank you.


Trying to find my little space

If you read my previous post, I am finding the forum a tough place to be. This is such a long and painful journey for me and so many others. I really appreciated having a place where people who have been on the IVF long haul ride could speak to each other in the VETS forum. It gave me a lot of hope following those who struggled for so long through so much of the same I have. I feel like I have lost that space. I am so full of progesterone and after five cycles…I just don’t have the patience anymore. I know I am not alone here. What I really needed was a space where I could look at others histories and know I was not alone. I love following those who have had many cycles, many losses and are either still trying or have had a wonderful miracle of a BFP and a pregnancy. It brings me so much comfort, hope and as this long road is soooooo lonely sometimes, they get it and can always lift my spirits. I just can no longer relate to those who are not on this road, and although I appreciate their well-wishes and their good luck thoughts…I do not appreciate their disregard for us long haul chicks. I guess it could be ignorance for what we have gone through? Maybe?

It’s sad….really sad. C’est la vie! At least I have my blog.