My miracle…I am waiting for you

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Refusing to push pause

Last year was rough on DH and I. After our last miscarriage I started to feel like maybe I can’t have it all. Maybe career and family are not both possible. I started thinking of how I could downscale my job and make more time for focusing on family. IVF is very stressful. The scheduling, the anxiety, the hoping, the excitement, the hormones, the failure, the grief, the exhaustion. In an ideal world I would be independently wealthy and…..well you know, we’ve all dreamt of this scenario.

So today everything was thrown out the window. I was offered a job. A big job. An exciting job. The kind of offer you don’t turn down…….

DH and I talked about what this new job could mean for our family plans. It could present further scheduling challenges and increased stress. But at the end of the day, what do you do? Wait and watch life pass you by? DH and I both agreed that we cannot push pause and wait for IVF to work. Life has to move on and we cannot make decisions based on ‘what if?’.

We will still plan for our June/July IVF. I don’t want to hit pause anymore. DH and I are going to push play. Screw you infertility…we win this round.

Leap of faith

I have read a lot about meditation and focusing on the goal you are looking to achieve. I have never done a vision board, that is one way to focus on your goal as well. I never wanted to buy any baby things, but the more I read the more I think that it is on the same lines as a vision board.
I’ve written about this before, and have not acted on it. I recently bought a little gift for the baby of a friend of mine….I really wanted to buy two, so I could have one for myself! I want to start a little box of baby things…I am afraid it might make me feel silly and desperate. Although I have read lots of other blogs of ladies who love their box of baby things. I guess it is a true leap of faith.
Recently one of the ladies I follow was able to put a onesie on her baby that she bought several years ago while she was trying. What an amazing moment. To finally see your baby in something that you bought when you were unsure it would ever happen! I think I will give it a go!
As you can see I have a liking of all things knitted. I love anything crafty and made with love. I used to crochet, but thinking of taking up knitting…it is afterall another form of meditation!

Numbers game

Infertility sucks the big one! I am caught in this horrible trap of counting. Counting cycle days, counting possible Day 1’s, counting how much money I need for the next IVF. Counting the pregnancy week I would have been in had I not miscarried in May. Damn numbers….

My due date would have been 27 Dec. I kept telling myself to not focus on something that will not be, but that date has always stuck in my head! It is so hard not to think about it. I can’t believe how much time I take staring at my calendar counting out 28 days. It is bordering on neurotic. Numbers…..go away. This Christmas is going to be a tough one….but only if I allow it. Therefore, I refuse. I will not let the pain of yesterday haunt my today. I will have a great Christmas holiday and I will focus on the future. Add a giant glass of wine and I will cope.

One glass of wine….mwah ah ah. Two glasses of wine….mwah ah ah….

Thinking of new life

I have been at my Mom’s for almost a week now. Having a very nice visit and spending lots of time with my Aunt, who is in palliative care at home. Will see her for the last time today, but after spending so much time this week it is feeling much easier to say good-bye. Still hard though…I am more sad for my Mom who is losing her best friend.

Of course in these kinds of situations it really forces you to evaluate your own life and identify what is truly important. I think I am ready to start looking for something new….new job, new location, new country? I will need to talk to DH and see what he thinks. We’ll see, I am open to everything. I am really unhappy where we live now and life is too short to be unhappy with things you can do something about. We didn’t really want to consider moving the last couple of years because we have such a great fertility team. I really don’t want to let that go until we have our baby….but who knows how long that could be? We can’t hang around waiting for something that may never come. Life moves on.

So I am left thinking of new life, new lives, new living. A big change is coming. “I can feel it, coming in the air tonight….hold on.”

Waking up with my babies

This morning I woke up with three little babies inside me.  Good morning sweet little babies that I dream about!   I am still so over the moon at how great this cycle has gone.  However, I am still very aware of the possibilities of it all going terribly wrong…but I am forcing myself to stay very positive and believe that it will happen.  I went to bed before DH last night, to spend some time doing a little meditation about my embryos and visualising them growing.  I am so proud of my little embryos already, they are like little people already in my mind.  I am so proud of their growth, I feel so confident that they are going to keep growing…for the first time I am really seeing my babies.

Ok…maybe I am hallucinating or having some kind of progesterone melt-down.  I am still the hardened VET who knows that anything and everything can go horribly wrong at any point in time.  I just feel like it is my time.  I must believe it.  It can happen, I have seen it with so many others who have tried and failed so many times.  I know that all the negative energy will start seeping in a few days before I test.  I am going to try really hard to keep all those negative feelings at bay and focus on the miracle that we have three amazing embryos back on board.

Today I have three babies.  Today they are all here with me.  Today I am happy and excited for the future.  Today is a good day.  Today I do not have to take a Gestone shot…..pure evil 😉

Back on board the Mothership

We had three glorious, amazing, perfect 8 cell embryos today.  I am still so in awe because I have never had more than two perfectly growing embies.  I usually have a few 4-6 cells who are late bloomers.  For 100% of my embies to be such great quality….wowzers.  I am the embie making machine!  I am so proud of my eggs and my DH’s little swimmers.  I still can’t believe it.  The transfer went so smoothly, perfect placement.  My bladder was about to explode, but it is all worth it.  The embryologist told us that she had ‘words’ with our embryos and told them that we have waited long enough, they must keep growing nicely.  After 5 IVF’s we could practically rent a room from the FS.

After the transfer, they set up the IV for the Intralipids.  This is the first time I am having Intralipids, so wasn’t sure what to expect.  It is not often that you have as many IVFs as I have had and not be able to list every single step.  I will state for the record once more, I could run my own IVF cycle.  DH told me he could easily operate an ultrasound after all these years.  If only I could brew the drugs myself, then we would really have a home industry to consider.  The Intralipids took just over an hour, not bad, but totally boring.  When I get my BFP (so positive), I will get Intralipids weekly.  I still think it is a bit of an overkill, but the FS says it can’t hurt it can only help.  So I will have to remember to bring a book next time.

Grow little embies….grow, grow, grow.  I know that we are ready for you.  Testing on the 15th….although HP T is already planned for the 13th…he he he.